To the women of my life,
Today, I would like to genuinely apologize to each and every one of you. For all the times I’ve hurt, upset, or unintentionally ghosted/ignored you. The times I’ve made you feel weak or undesired, as though you weren’t good enough for me. I apologize for my inexcusable behavior. My intentions were never to make you feel that way, and I wish I had communicated my thoughts, fears, and anxieties more clearly.
I’m not here to make excuses. I don’t wish to use mental illness or insecurity as a crutch to absolve my actions. I simply hope to unpack things I have recently come to terms with and report them with honesty. That’s all I’ve ever tried to be, honest.
For as long as I can remember, a committed relationship was “the dream.” A goal I strove toward and saw as the ultimate form of happiness. I think part of it was in reaction to the instability of my parents’ relationship. I don’t necessarily blame them, but having that serve as my only representation of marriage probably wasn’t the healthiest. They did the best they could, but in the end it’s still two humans trying to navigate the world together.
I feel their dynamic, coupled with television and romantic comedies, helped to influence my desire of becoming the “perfect boyfriend.” To me, this meant I could never make any mistakes, ever. I placed immense pressure upon myself to be the best. I wanted to focus all of my energy on my significant other, leaving little to no care for myself. That was how it was supposed to be, or so I thought. It seemed to work well that way.
No. Bad Tyler.
I also wish to apologize for my insecurities, concerning identity and appearance. For a long time, I felt ugly and inadequate, leading to unhealthy projections of such insecurities onto the person I was dating. I never felt good enough for anyone. What good was sexuality when I couldn’t even look myself in the eye without wanting to throw up. Little did I know, most of this insecurity was due, in part, to my discomfort in a male body. Thanks, 24, I could have used this insight YEARS ago.
Looking back, I realize how much could have been solved in very simple ways. I was foolish in thinking I could hide all my pain. There was never a time I wasn’t myself around you, please know that. The Tyler you saw was pure, but I refused to let anyone see the darkness. I felt it would make me appear less than perfect. I was so wrong in thinking that way. If I had gotten the help I needed when it was pertinent, instead of trying to fix myself, maybe things would be different.
Now, this isn’t everything that I have to say. I’m sure there will be many more letters, since I apologize so much. However, I am now gathering the words to help me relay my sincerest. Perhaps this letter isn’t great, maybe some of it is problematic, but I am trying. There is so much I owe to all of you, and I hope that I can deliver it with clarity. Despite my missteps, you have brought light to my life and helped lure me out of my self-destructive shell. You inspire me everyday to rediscover who I truly am. I hope you may forgive whoever that will be.
Thank you, with all of the respect that I hold in my soul.
Sincerely,
-Tyler
(Title is a reference to “Love” by Matthew Dickman)