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How to Survive a Clown Apocalypse

It’s safe to say that I am an expert when it comes to survival strategies. When I was a child, my mom embedded into my head to avoid white mini vans, never take candy from strangers, and as much as you’d love to help that man find his dog, don’t. I have even mastered how to survive a zombie apocalypse. I’ve seen every single episode of The Walking Dead twice, and I have taken a few quizzes online stating whether I’d still be alive or not. But I was not prepared for this, a clown apocalypse.

They are everywhere!

At first, these sightings were overshadowed with more urgent news reports. Many people just thought that it was a silly thing kids were doing. However, near the end of August in South Carolina, some individuals were dressed up in clown costumes. They were trying to lure children into the woods. While some people were entirely freaked out by this, others were still not interested. Little did we know then, this was only the beginning.

These clown sightings have spread all along the east coast, and their population is rapidly growing. They are appearing outside elementary schools, on back roads, in wooded areas, and now on college campuses. Hundreds of college students from multiple universities have been posting their personal experieinces and opinions about the apocalypse on their social media. There is an abundance of tweets and Facebook posts ranging from mocking the entire situation to complete and utter fear of the potential inevitable: clowns taking over. The ominous vibe by simply lurking among certain areas was cryptic enough, but now clowns are making physical contact. They are walking around with weapons as well as the intent to harm people. In Kutztown, they are travelling around campus knocking on people’s windows. A 16 year old was even stabbed to death by a clown in Reading, a town just outside of Kutztown. While their ultimate agenda is unclear, the clowns are most definitely making it known that they are here and ready to wreak havoc. With Halloween approaching, I do not think they are going away anytime soon.

Don’t be alarmed though! I have done my research, and I am proud to announce that I have the solution. Here’s five ways to survive a clown apocalypse:

1. Keep your windows and doors locked at all times.

It’s important to lock your windows and doors at night in general for safety reasons, but it’s even more crucial when clowns are roaming the streets, banging on random residents’ windows.

2. Wear comfortable shoes at all times.

If you see a clown outside of your home, you need to be able to make a fast getaway. You cannot be one of those stereotypical girls in horror movies who dramatically runs away from the villain and manages to trip over air. But you definitely need to be prepared to run, so wearing your “I won’t get killed by a clown tonight” shoes is your best bet!


3. Have something on you that can be used as a weapon.

The weird glances and hushed whispers from others may seem to follow you when you’re walking around campus with a baseball bat or a frying pan, but hey, if a clown approaches you, at least you’re protected.

4. Do not go exploring in isolated corn-fields or wooded areas.

I know it sounds tempting, but this is not the appropriate time to go frolic in the woods. The likelihood of you surviving is slim.

5. Camp out at the bar.

If clowns are terrorizing your neighborhood, having a few drinks won’t hurt. Besides, the bouncers definitely won’t let a clown in. In other words, if you’re not legal you’re screwed.

But all jokes aside, please be careful. Follow the standard buddy system protocol and never walk around at night alone. Be cautious of your surroundings, and try to avoid wooded areas. Also, please do everyone else a favor and do not dress up like a clown on Halloween!

Hello, I'm Jesse Coffey. I am a Secondary English Education major and Communication Studies minor. I am a member of the Gamma Gamma chapter of Theta Phi Alpha at Kutztown University. I love reading and writing during my spare time. I have the tendency to binge-watch television shows on Netflix in record breaking times. Napping is a personal hobby of mine. I'm obsessed with my dog Bonnie and take way too many pictures of her considering she's prettier than me.
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