A best friend can be defined in many different ways, but for me, a best friend is someone who I know would be there for me in a heartbeat, even if it’s just to go for a drive or watch movies. Coming into college, I barely knew anyone. I made a few friends after a couple of weeks, one who I thought would be my college bestie. After a while, I realized how toxic they were and quickly cut them out of my life. It sucked to do that but I didn’t need their negative energy around me.
Ever since then, I never really clicked with anyone besides my current boyfriend, but I don’t really count him. I’ve tried and tried to talk to people, wanting to be their friend but I always feel like an outcast. Especially if they already have their own friend group. I’ve accepted just to be my own person and enjoy the small friendships I have with people.
But it sucks. Scrolling through Instagram or Snapchat and seeing everyone with their close friends and I’m alone in my room. I don’t have anyone to show funny Tik Toks to, or ask if I should post a photo on Instagram. I don’t have anyone to get coffee and go to Target with. No one really sends me a text unless it’s to ask if something was due in class.
I don’t really know why I don’t have close friends. I don’t think I’m a toxic person, but I do notice my social meter goes down a lot when I’m around people. I don’t have much to say, and I don’t feel like people understand me. I’ll get those “I’ll be your friend!” but I don’t know how to keep that connection. I found that I’m perfectly okay with just spending my time with my boyfriend, but I do wish I had some girlfriends to hang out with some days.