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Top 3 Things That Make the Feminism Leave My Body

*Disclaimer: These are jokes, and I half-heartedly live by these beliefs, except the last one*

3. Love interests fighting over someone 

This one is so embarrassing for me. This is so embarrassing but I love it. Especially when it’s a man fighting a man over someone, you can see the ghost of my feminism indeed leaving my body. This is the only display of toxic masculinity I’ll allow in my presence. People fighting over me makes me feel like the main character but not egotistically. It’s more of a “perhaps they do care about me” kind of way. Maybe it’s because my Venus is in Sagittarius or that I’m commitmentphobic but I love a good love triangle, but only when it’s all women or two men and a woman. When it’s an all-women love triangle, it feels less chaotic, and that intentions are in the right place. Two women and a man always lead to pick-me and bird-like behavior. It is worse than when men act all big and bad for the sake of their ego. So yes, turn that violence onto yourselves and not onto women, please and thank you. Women, we are the prize, remember that, don’t twist around for the guys. 

 2. Financially supporting men 

Do I love being an independent woman? Yes. Do I want to be the one making more money in the relationship? Yes. Do I believe in applying the money I earned into any resources that may benefit men? No. I already don’t like paying bills (the amount of times I pawn my phone bill to my dad is quite saddening and unadultlike), but to pay a man’s bills? Prison, jail, hate it. I simply don’t believe that women should financially support men, it’s a setup for failure. Contributing to bills is one thing, but I cannot imagine having a househusband, someone who is not contributing financially or a stay-at-home dad. I can just hear the cries of disapproval of my ancestors ringing in my brain and for the peace of my soul when I leave this earth, I will not engage in such treacherous behavior. 

  1. Proposing to men 

Nothing turns me off more in a film, book, TV show, even in fanfiction than a woman proposing to a man. The thought of it causes me physical illness. Not only do I get second-hand embarrassment seeing a woman kneeling in front of a man, but the mental image causes my blood pressure to spike. If you are my friend and you ever do this in front of me, I’m either a) passing out, b) walking out, c) tackling you to the ground and signaling out an SOS call for an intervention. Maybe it’s because I just finished mila tequila’s Fall of an Icon: Britney Spears YouTube Video. I was painfully reminded that Britney proposed to proclaimed pimp and failed music singer Kevin Federline. I’m against women being with losers but public declarations of loving losers? I cannot stand for it. To me, it’s admitting that you like him more than he likes you, which is disobeying like Chapter 10 of Girl Code on long term relationships. Marriage is a huge step, and to me, the conversation should always be led by women because women have the most to lose in a marriage (we can argue about this later), but men should lead the act of the proposal. Let them initiate the physical purchase of commitment. If it does not work out, the gift of the ring now holds a spot in your local pawn shop and now you have money for your trip to travel post break up.

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