The last thing I thought I would ever do is write a book, let alone writing an article about writing a book. It sounds like a dream just writing this paragraph in itself!
For those that do not know me, my name is Aakriti Chaturvedi and I wrote a poetry book called “Zigzags & Glow Sticks”, illustrated by my dear friend Shehara Hernandez Robinson. In this book, I talk about everything from mental health to childhood memories to social justice topics that are circulating in today’s society that are more than important to talk about. I wrote this book because it meant everything to me. It meant not only expressing my emotions and discussing topics I hold dear to my heart, but it meant being a voice for people whose echoes never had a chance to be heard. I always say this, but the book holds something for everyone and that is why I am so proud of it.
Although, the book writing process in its entirety was a lot of what I expected, a lot of it was not. I am writing this article to describe my experience with writing a book including the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly. My hope is that it gives everyone insight on not only my experience, but insight on what entails when you chase your dreams.
The first step, as they always say, is getting started. One ray of inspiration led to another which led to another, and before I knew it I was writing before I went to sleep, in between classes, and whenever I felt an inclination to do so. I wrote about anything and everything that spoke to me at the time. Some poems weren’t good, and were completely weeded out. Others were decent and were modified later on, and some, at least in my eyes, felt like they needed to be published there and then. I had gotten to a point where I had collected enough poems that I thought deserved to see the light and that’s when I realized I wanted to publish.
What I did not realize was that the process would come with a lot of hurdles that I did not quite prepare myself for. WIthout further ado, here are some unexpected, and at times ugly truths about writing a book:
Self doubt is like the plague: It is incredibly easy to doubt your capabilities, when you start worrying about what the rest of the world thinks. I’ll be the first to say, I am not perfect and neither is my writing. I did however, believe in what I wrote before publishing which is why I eventually took this avenue. When I started to actually realize that my writing wouldn’t just be for me anymore, it was very exciting. Yet, at the same time it was incredibly nerve-wracking. All of a sudden, there was a lot of pressure to be perfect for public viewing. I wrote about sensitive subject material and with that comes an unwritten truth I had to learn how to deal with. Criticism. And with criticism comes overthinking. There were so many nights even after my book came out where I went to sleep thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life.
Constant thoughts would cloud my brain telling me that I wasn’t good enough and that nothing I wrote made sense. I convinced myself no one would find what I had to say important and they would think it was a waste of their time. In fact, I started to doubt my own experiences. I began doubting my own voice and it was so easy to gaslight myself into thinking that I had no right writing about mental health and social justice issues. After all, how much difference could I possibly make? I am so glad that these are just passing thoughts and not the truth. I had to remind myself that everything happened for a reason and that there were so many people who loved my writing, loved my passion, and related to it. Most importantly, I had faith in myself and at the very end of the day, that’s all that really matters to me.
Overcoming vulnerability Is no easy feat: Relating to all this, being vulnerable was a huge and daunting task for me to overcome. Once again, I knew the gist of what I was getting into. I knew that a lot of my writing had bits and pieces of myself scattered into it. My book was a part of me that I was sharing with the world and that thought was horrifying. My biggest nightmare was that this book would give the world a warped perception of me. People that know me know that I am not a vulnerable person, at least not outwardly. It takes time to crack me open, because I fear vulnerability, and I know I am not alone in that. I fear that my ability to share parts of myself may be mistaken for unconditional kindness that someone could take advantage of. What I didn’t realize was that this book was my gateway to being the most honest and authentic version of myself.
The amount of growth I have seen in myself since I started writing to now has been tremendous. I am so much more unbothered by people’s perception of me. I am so much more confident in myself, who I am, and what I feel. I know that what I do and what I go through is absolutely valid. I am me. At the beginning of this experience, I dreaded showing the world the writing that I created in moments where I felt sadness, humiliation, and darkness. It is safe to say, writing this book opened my eyes. Self-expression is the truest form of protection. Once you know yourself and are not ashamed to show it to the world, there is not a soul on earth that can take that away from you. You just have to believe in yourself.
The process in itself is “zigzags & glow sticks”: Publishing was a whole rollercoaster. It wasn’t easy and a lot of it felt rushed and imperfect. I came to terms with the fact that not everything would happen on my own terms, which I knew from the beginning, but it was still hard to adjust to that no matter how much I accepted it. What a lot of people don’t expect is that it’s incredibly time consuming and completely frustrating. Sometimes, the manuscript gets messed up more times than you want. Sometimes there is miscommunication and a lot of work to catch up on and before you know it you are piled up in documents to sign, and barely getting sleep because of your busy schedule. Regardless of all this, I would do it all over again. I am so grateful to have gotten to publish my work and for the amazing people that helped me get it out.
Family means a lot: Growing up an Indian-American, there were a lot of topics that were taboo. I was blessed enough to grow up in a very accepting family who is more than proud of me. However, having a lot of family in all parts of India and the U.S comes with its perks and downfalls. I had an incredible amount of support for the book, which I will be forever grateful for. Along with that though, came a lot of misunderstanding. Writing about sensitive topics like eating disorders, body dysmorphia, depression, and other mental illnesses brings people together and makes people feel less alone but at the same time it creates a lot of labels for yourself. Even though I haven’t necessarily experienced, first-hand, everything I wrote about in the book, a lot of my family was under the impression that I did.
There was a lot of concern. I had family members reaching out and making sure I was okay. Others had no idea why I wrote about topics like that. And the rest had never even heard of the term mental health. It was difficult explaining my work and myself to them. There were moments I regretted writing the book. What if it brought shame onto my family? What if they think I am strange talking about issues they never even knew existed. What if this makes me less Indian? These were actual thoughts that hovered in my mind for a while. Crazy. In the end, I would not have it any other way. I think it makes me a stronger person to be so open about talking about these issues. I am glad to educate the ones who may not understand and I am so happy that I am in the position to do so.
Writing can be addicting: One amazing aspect of writing a book is that once you write one, you’ll want to write more. I call it the tattoo effect. It’s funny how much you can prove yourself by jumping through hurdles and achieving a dream of yours. It feels like the sky is the limit, truly. I am swarming with new ideas, and different avenues I want to take and it’s all thanks to what I showed myself I could do! Not to mention, how much I learned about myself throughout the process of writing and publishing. I learned sadness, happiness, surprise, anxiety, fearfulness, fearlessness, courage, passion, and every single thing in between.
The amount of support for this project of mine has been unimaginable and I have my family, my friends, and my Her Campus girlies to thank for that. Thank you all for being so supportive and giving the book so much love. I hope you enjoy it and I hope it plucks on a few heart-strings.
Know that whatever you do in life will come with challenges. You and I both know this to be true. But it is so worth it when you are doing what you love. So this is a PSA to chase your dreams and do the things you’ve been dying to do. I promise you that you will thank yourself whether that is immediately or further down the road. Stay true to yourself and most importantly expect the unexpected…ALWAYS.
I believe in you all and I hope you achieve your dreams!