If you’re anything like myself, you are briefly aware that there is an upcoming football event. However, that is about all I know. Therefore, with the help of a few knowledgeable football sources, here’s a guide to follow for the upcoming game on February 4th. For example, LII stands for the 52nd Super Bowl, and it’s taking place in Minnesota for some reason. Below is a list of seven more crucial things that will make you look like a football genius at any family gathering or watch party.
The Teams:
The 2018 teams are composed of the Philadelphia Eagles (midnight green jerseys) and the New England Patriots (white jerseys). The two teams are complete opposites historically. The Patriots will be playing for their sixth Super Bowl, whereas the Eagles will be playing for their first. Casually throw this fact in to make it appear you’ve done your research.
Tom Brady:
If you choose to cheer on the New England Patriots, then all you need to know is who Tom Brady is. Tom Brady wears the number twelve, and is the quarterback. After googling what exactly a quarterback is, I found that he’s the player who throws the ball to other players. It’s also important to know that Tom Brady is “clutch”. Repeat this phrase often to gain attention from your fellow viewers.
Nick Foles:
Similar to Tom Brady, Nick Foles is a quarterback. It is important to know that Nick Foles is not nearly as good as Tom Brady despite what Eagles fans try to tell you. Nick Foles came in as a backup after Carson Wentz (some other really good player, I guess) got hurt. He has proven himself, and has played very efficient especially in the playoffs.
The Rules To Football:
Okay, I’m not even going to try to explain this. Football is so complex for no reason, and from what I can tell, they’re all just running around giving each other brain damage. But when you get confused on what’s going on, I’ve learned to just find someone who’s rooting for the same team as you and copy what they do. Example below:
Uncle Bill: *Jumps out of chair and grabs ears with hands* “You have got to be kidding me what a horrible run!”
You: *Jumps up and gestures ferociously* “Are you serious right now?!”
What To Say In Any Situation:
If you are rooting for the New England Patriots and someone puts you on the spot, don’t sweat it. This will work whether the Patriots are winning or losing. All you must say is: “Tom Brady is the greatest of all time.” This will imply that if they’re winning big it is because of him, and if they’re losing it implies that he will somehow still save the game. It’s a win-win quote, sure to capture the respect of your friends.
And, Philadelphia Eagles fans don’t worry, there is an easy one for you too! If you find your team losing, then say: “If only Carson Wentz was playing!” This will imply that if he was to somehow walk across the field with crutches, he would lead his team to victory. If they are winning already, go on ahead and say: “This domination would be way worse if Wentz was in!” This is sure to add some fuel to the Patriot fans’ fire!
Commercials:
DO NOT let those in the room realize that the commercials are all you really care about. If you want to fit in with the crowd, you have to embrace it all. The actual game gets really boring, but there’s so much ad revenue that a commercial appears every ten minutes, so you won’t have to watch the game for an unbearably long time. They do this on purpose, to help people like you and me get through this wretched event that we have to pretend to care about.
Halftime Show:
Be careful here. Everyone in the room is expecting you to slightly freak out when Justin Timberlake takes stage during this year’s halftime show. Do not do it… Oh, screw it who am I kidding? I am going to freak out! Have you heard “Filthy”?!
Conclusion:
Oh, the Super Bowl. The only football game that seems to get everyone’s attention every year around February. While I might not understand or care about it, I have learned to act like I do for one day a year and now you can too!
Good luck.