As I sit here procrastinating typing my seven page paper for a class that has nothing to do with my major and is just required as a core course, I want to give you a list of things I would rather be doing instead of this through a series of different events that have occurred throughout my life.
Get the sex talk (a.k.a the birds and the bees talk) from my parents all over again. Not only did I learn that women push watermelon-sized humans out of their vaginas, but I also refused to look my parents in the eyes for about a week after that. But nonetheless, better than this paper.
Get sat down by my parents again and learn the truth about Santa Claus.What kind of sick twisted lie is this that we let our kids believe there is a jolly man who brings us gifts only to rip that sweet sweet fantasy away from them years later?! Still not as bad as this paper though.
Revisit my whole first ever period experience, which I got in the middle of 7th grade English class and started crying because I honest to God thought I was dying when I saw blood on the chair. Luckily Tommy Mitchell was there to point it out to everyone. Still somehow better than writing this paper.
Eat those worms I thought would impress Logan Henry with the highlights/frosted tips back in 4th grade during recess. Instead I just threw up and he ended up choosing Ellen to be his new girlfriend. STILL better than this paper.
Try to jump over the chain-linked fence to unlock it from the inside for the entirety of both our high school baseball and track team while they all watched and waited for me. From the picture above you can probably assume what happened. I ripped my bright green (and impossible not to notice) running shorts in front of everyone. Yet another moment I would rather revisit than type this paper.
Try to flirt with my 8th grade crush by daring him to lick the cafeteria floor only to have it make him instantly sick and throw up in front of everyone during lunch. He was sent home and I was sent to the principal’s office. If he had liked me before, he sure as hell did not after. And yet, still better than typing my paper. Sorry about that, Theodore.
Dive off the diving board at a 10th grade end of the year pool party only to reemerge with over half my front tooth gone and a concussion from hitting my face on the concrete pool floor. This might have been considered worse than typing this paper if my severe concussion hadn’t prevented me from barely remembering any of it.
So here you go, a list of many cringy life moments that I would rather revisit than write this stupid and boring seven page paper than I am not even a page and a half into and is due by Friday. Happy Finals!