Why do we avoid conflict? Because we’ve been taught to play nice and not disrupt the social order? Because we’ve been socialized to believe that disagreement is bad? Because we’re expected to minimize negative feelings whenever possible?
To be clear, these aren’t invalid reasons to avoid conflict. However, there are costs and benefits to every situation, and there are certainly costs and benefits to conflict avoidance.
Is it better to play nice and not be open and honest about what we think? Will we really disrupt the social order? If so, is the social order worth preserving as it is?
Is it better to agree even though we know at all levels of our being that we don’t? In essence, is it worth it to lie? What are the consequences of that lie—to others as well as to ourselves?
Is it better to minimize negative feelings in the short-term for the sake of the long-term? Whose negative feelings are we minimizing? Are we jeopardizing our own feelings? Will the long-term really be better as a result?
Since I’m all about asking questions, here are some more to consider when you’re faced with your own conflict avoidance dilemma:
1. What kind of conflict is this?
Is this an issue of clarification? A difference of opinion or perspective? A debate over fundamental values or beliefs?
BIG QUESTIONS: What kind of conflict is worth it for you to engage in? Why?
2. Who is this conflict with?
An individual? A group? A family member or a close friend? A work colleague? A superior or a subordinate? A semi-stranger? A total stranger?
BIG QUESTIONS: With whom is it worth it for you to engage in conflict? Why?
3. What kind of personality is this conflict with?
Is it someone who’ll listen to you or who’ll talk over you? Is it someone who respects you or who thinks little of you? Is it someone who’s open-minded or who’s set in their ways of being and thinking?
BIG QUESTIONS: With what kind of personality is it worth it for you to engage in conflict? Why?
4. What’s the desired outcome of this conflict?
An apology? A change in mindset? A statement of feelings? An acknowledgement of feelings? A specific action or set of actions?
BIG QUESTIONS: Is the desired outcome realistic and/or achievable? If not, is it still worth it for you to engage in conflict? Why?Of course, the most important questions to consider are the following:
Is this really a conflict, or just a conversation waiting to happen?
We often frame situations involving different opinions or opposite points of view as conflicts that can’t be resolved. More often than not, I think it’s taken for granted what can be accomplished when different perspectives are shared. If anything, the sharing process clarifies what assumptions and presumptions may have been inaccurately made at the outset, thereby clearing the path for more productive discussion of the issues at hand. However, the challenge resides in whether both parties are willing to engage in the conversation at all. If there’s no mutual desire to do so, the conflict remains a conflict.
To be honest, I often wonder whether people simply relish being in conflict with each other. Maybe they think it adds spice to life. Well, if I want spice, I’ll look for it in my spice rack, or better yet, my Starbucks latte. For me, conflict seems to be just another way to keep us farther apart from each other. And why would we want that?