On a Saturday following a long week of class and studying for exams, I came out to my mother. It wasn’t something I had planned to do in advance—I was stressed, I was upset, and for some reason, the words just came out of my mouth:
“Mom, I’m not straight.” There was a gap of silence. “So, what does that mean? What are you?” she asked. “I’m not sure,” I replied, “but I know I like girls, and I know I sometimes like guys. I’m not sure what that means for me or my sexuality, but I just wanted to tell you.” “Oh, well ok then, that’s fine” my mom replied, and then the conversation drifted away from my sudden declaration.
Although our conversation drifted, that question stuck with me. “Well, what are you?” I asked myself, unsure of the answer I was looking for, but feeling like I needed to have one. No matter how many times I asked myself, no matter how many times I pondered, I was still unsure. Still, every time I casually came out to someone else, I am faced with the questions: “Are you bisexual? Are you gay? How do you identify?” and I just shrug and change the subject.
Still, I’m unsure as to how I identify. I know that I have crushes on both men and women, that I generally prefer women, and that even though I develop romantic crushes and find others attractive, I have yet to experience sexual attraction. Does that mean that I’m asexual? Or maybe I’m bisexual and just haven’t met the right person? Or maybe I’m a lesbian who just sometimes likes to look at pretty boys?
Although these questions are constantly coming into my mind, for now, I’ve decided to stop looking for answers. Why does it matter how I classify myself, and why should I even feel the need to do so? Even though occasionally I may understand how I feel, I shouldn’t feel the need to apply labels to myself to make others’ understandings of my feelings easier, or more valid. The thoughts and opinions of others wouldn’t factor into any romantic relationship in which I take part, then why should I allow their thoughts to influence the way I think about myself and my romantic preferences? Romance and sex are typically private matters , and, in my opinion, should only matter to those involved in a relationship, or an individual themselves.
I don’t mind mentioning my sexual orientation, even with my current hesitation to provide myself with a label. When someone asks me about my sexual orientation, or if I mention it casually and am then faced with questions, I have no problems answering them in the best way that I can. That being said, I will not, nor do I feel the need to, tell them definitively that I am one sexual orientation or another.
Even though labels can help others understand your position and feelings, if using them makes you feel uncomfortable, there is no need to use them simply for the benefit of others. Always do what is best for you, what makes you most comfortable, and you will be content and secure in yourself—labels or no labels.
Image Credit: Pretty Girls Sweat, SAYFC