In the fourth grade, my classroom welcomed an exchange student from Germany whose name was Amelie. Although she was only at my school for a year, we had a huge going-away party in April when she returned home. At said party, every other girl in my grade cried. I did not, and at the end of the party, one of my best guy friends looked at me and said, “Do you have a heart of stone?”
That question has stuck with me since I was ten years old because the answer was both yes and no. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve—there’s no sense denying that. I have a neutral disposition and only show true emotion when I feel very safe. I was sad about Amelie’s departure, but we were also at an all-school party and I’d only known her a year. I did not feel that this warranted my tears.
Then came the dreaded, “How can you not cry? Are you even a girl?” These questions have always and will always bother me. Not just in terms of my fear for boys who think they cannot show emotion, but also for what it meant for me as a girl who does not wear her heart on her sleeve.
Women have been pinned as the more emotional sex since the dawn of time. If you type in “why are women” into the Google search bar, “so emotional” is the third auto-fill response. It’s the typical scape-goat answer for any sort of female self-expression. That’s a problematic response in and of itself because women should be allowed to be emotional without condemnation! For a society that claims to be obsessed with dismantling patriarchy and promoting equality, there is still clamoring for the emotional aspect of womanhood.
However, this is complicated even further when you do not identify with that female stereotype. What do you do when you are not an emotional woman? Not when you’re on your period (nice try, boys, but no cigar) nor when you’re tired nor happy nor sad nor anything else. It’s not that you don’t feel these emotions—in fact, you feel them very strongly—you just choose not to express them to anyone at random. Do you start to lose your identification with femininity due to your lack of visible emotion?
I would argue that in some cases, yes, I have been stripped of my feminine qualities because I refuse to cry or smile or give a public reaction. I have often—by both men and women—had my “girl card” revoked because I didn’t cry at a specific movie (i.e., the Notebook) or smile because I got good news. Boys are allowed to be sullen and quiet, but if girls do the same, we are written off as “bitches” or “one of the guys.” Neither title applies to me, thanks very much.
I do not trust people. That’s basically the beginning of the deep psychological reasoning behind my consistently stoic facial expression. I do not easily give up my emotions, not to strangers or friends or acquaintances.
To me, visible emotion is dangerous because it creates a show—for men, for other women, for anyone watching. It gives away more of myself than I am comfortable with. I do not cry and I do not smile and I do not believe you have any right to demand me to do either.
However, I dislike the association between not actively showing emotion and femininity. Let me say it here, loud and clear: Emotions are not a gendered aspect, and I am tired of everyone treating them as such.
I am not a “dude” for not crying and no one is a “girl” for crying. My lack of visible emotions does not make me less feminine, nor does a woman showing emotion make her more feminine. There is no spectrum for how genders should express certain feelings. Emotions, and how, where and why an individual chooses to express them, are aspects of personality—they are individual choices and should not be dictated by anyone.
Yet, throughout my life, I have been thought of as one of the “guys” because I didn’t get all “emotional,” and girls have shunned me for not laughing at the right time or getting angry when I should have been quiet. It has worrisome implications that just because you do not show emotions, you relinquish some sort of public feminine identity.
Not only that have I been condemned and questioned, but I have also been forced to explain my emotions to people who think I am bored or angry or whatever emotional state they tend to project onto me. I will smile when I want and I will cry when I want and I will be angry when I want. My emotions are mine and they demand no explanation.
So to all you girls who get asked why they aren’t smiling or why they look angry or why they don’t cry during movies: tell whoever is asking to go the f*** away and keep that neutral expression on. No one is owed your emotional expression and honestly, you know what you are feeling. There’s no need for anyone else to have that information, unless you want them to know.
Do not fear if you are a person who does not easily show emotion. There are plenty of us in the same boat. But do not associate your lack of visible emotion with lack of feeling. I feel so deeply and so strongly, more than anyone could ever know. To those people who accuse us of having a heart of stone just because they can’t see our hearts on our sleeves, you know nothing of our emotional states—and that’s the way we want it.
Image Credit: Genius, Dreams Time