It is November. I have been at Kenyon continually since August 18th, with the exception of the first weekend of October (I went home for my birthday) and the following long weekend, which was Fall Break. As a child, I never went to summer camps or youth group trips, and I rarely even spent the night at a friend’s house. This is the longest I have ever been away from my family. I am still struggling with it.
I am the oldest of four children, so I am the first of my household to attend college. For 18 years, we were a growing and then stable family unit of six, generally at peace in the daily routines and traditions of our household. Of course, we had disagreements, but they were always over silly things which were easily resolved. Though each of us was growing and changing in our own ways, things mostly remained the same. My departure for school has disrupted this stasis. That’s not to say that my absence is earth-shattering; the members of my family are each their own person and can certainly survive without my constant presence. Most of the time I am fairly content myself, busy as I am with schoolwork, athletics, and social activities. But there are times when the homesickness creeps back into my brain, usually when I am isolated either by large amounts of schoolwork or by the fact that I am one of the few awake people on campus.
I start to think about what I am missing when I’m not at home. I have contact with every member of my family, sure, down to my ten-year-old sister who can text me from her iPad. I’m in almost constant communication with my mom from the time I wake up until I go to bed. My other sister, brother, and dad text me quite frequently. But a text, phone call, or even FaceTime conversation is not the same as constantly being at home and seeing the way my family interacts not only with me but also with one another.
My youngest sister is in the fifth grade this year, and I am not at home to hear about the exciting things she does at school or watch her make rubber band creations on her loom. My other sister and my brother both run cross country and track, and for the first time, I am not able to cheer them on at every meet. When they get Starbucks after a hard day of practice, I am not able to go with them. I am missing the little rivalries that happen when we play old Mario Party or Pikmin video games together, the new episodes of our favorite TV shows that we always watched as a family, and our meals together at the dinner table. I am missing them grow up.
Yesterday I was ignoring my homesickness by burying myself in work when my boyfriend came by to say hello. He asked me how I was doing, and I burst into tears before I could respond with any words. It felt good to cry and let it out, but it didn’t erase the sadness. The fact of the matter is that it is going to take time for me to adjust to living away from my family, and it seems like it’s going to take a lot of time. Part of me reasons that I could easily move home next year or even next semester and commute to a nearby school. The rational part of me knows that that’s not what I want to do, though. Although I will always rely on my family for some measure of comfort and support, I need to grow into a person who can rely on herself for strength and happiness, too. My boyfriend made a great point when he was helping me through my breakdown: my family is certainly hurting too, but this is what they wanted for me. The opportunity to attend a school as wonderful as Kenyon has always been important to me and to them, and I am truly living my dream by going here.
I am luckier than many students in that my family is less than two hours away from me. I know that they will always be willing to visit me on any weekend if I ask them to, and I always have the ability to go home to them. Though moving away from home will one day be a permanent change, I have to remind myself that right now, it is not: I still have holiday breaks and summers to enjoy with my family. I just know for sure that I will treasure these times even more than I previously would have, because I now know what I am missing.
Image Credit: Elizabeth Heckler