I’ve been thinking a lot. Maybe it’s the liberal arts experience getting to me, or maybe it’s that this is the first time I’m living on my own in a new place, and I’m learning how to figure out this new chapter of my life.
For starters, I’m a huge extrovert; in fact, I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs personality test multiple times throughout my life, and I’ve always tested ENFJ, with an emphasis on being extroverted. In the past, when I’m upset, I’ve thrived on having people who I can go to for anything; whether it’s eating ice cream, watching Friends, or going on a walk.
Which isn’t a bad thing! I mean, in philosophy class we were reading about Aristotle’s theory on how to live life to the fullest. One of the most important thing one needs, in Aristotle’s point of view, is friendship. He goes on and on about how tight-knit friendships are key to living a fruitful and flourishing life, in that these are the people who can teach us valuable life lessons and show us things about ourselves that we didn’t even know.
But in being in a new place with new people, I’m starting to realize that when it comes down to it, I’ve been using my relationships with people as a crutch to distract myself from my problems. Even though friends are important, and can be there for you with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while you rant on and on about that boy that you like…at the end of it all, all you’re left with is you. It’s your life, and humans are inconsistent. Anyone can choose to enter or leave your life at any moment. And I’m realizing that one simply can’t go through life dependent on other people for one’s own happiness.
And I know in some non-platonic cases, there are those people where you feel like they are you’re everything. If they don’t smile at you on Middle Path or you see them walking back from an Old K party with someone else…you’re crushed. We all have this weird idea that if we don’t hook up with someone on the weekends, the night is ruined. If we don’t have a crush on anyone, we’re doing something wrong. If we aren’t in a relationship, or don’t want one, we’re weird.
But I think that is such an incredibly unhealthy way to live life. I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but we all have our own lives with our own separate problems, and I know it sucks, but sometimes people will disappoint you. There’s going to be a point when you’re rejected, or a friend will treat you wrong, or you’ll get into a fight with a sibling. So to rely on people to “fix” all your problems is to set yourself up for disaster. And obviously there is a reason why we are such an interactive species…relationships with other people are incredibly important because we all have those people who will listen to us, understand our problems, and let us know that they recognize what we’re feeling and that they’re here for us.
So I’m sorry to sound like your mother, but a romantic partner won’t fix anything. If you’re upset and think that having a significant other will make you feel better, you’re wrong. Or maybe you’re having a bad day and hang out with a friend thinking that it’ll make you feel better, but they’re also in a bad mood and it only makes things worse. To put it into other words, if you can’t love yourself and know how to help yourself, being reliant on someone else to do that for you is just harmful, to put it simply.
And I know that I’m making a general statement, primarily based on my own experience, so obviously this concept doesn’t apply to everyone. And in situations where you need professional help, like a PC or SMA or counselor, or something bad from home happened and you really just need a hug, obviously there are times where you can depend on another person. I’m not suggesting that you yourself can fix everything on your own; you aren’t Superman!
It’s all about living for yourself, and knowing how to make yourself happy all on your own. I never realized that until I came to college, where all my friends are also first years who are dealing with the changes of being at a new place. All of us have our own issues, and while sometimes it’s comforting to know that other people are experiencing homesickness or loneliness, it can also be a real downer. And when I tried to reach out to my old friends from home, I found that I only felt worse. Because although it was nice for the half hour I’d facetime someone, ultimately I’d get a sense of dread when I hung up the phone and had to come to terms with being in a new place.
I realized that before, my friendships were simply just friendships; a state of mutual trust and support between two people. But I had started using the people I know here as a crutch, an unstable foundation for my college experience. It wasn’t until I forced myself to take time for myself, to do things that make me happy, that I realized that ultimately it’s extremely unreliable to let other people have power over my own emotions. If my friend is stressed about a test, I can still have a good day. If a guy doesn’t express interest in me, I’m not worthless. I’m learning not to reach for my phone each time I’m upset to text someone. Instead, I’m focusing on ways that I myself can make me happy.
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