Wakey wakey, Kenyon ladiez! KCSL here. I’ve barely recovered from my mortifying Peirce experience a few weeks back, but I had to write in to warn you: it’s here. Somehow we all manage to forget it exists until we wake up one morning and roll over, groaning as we take in the bright, harsh numbers on our alarm clock and we see that it’s…February.
Ah, February…the month of groundhogs, leaping, and love. As we approach the generally dreaded, heart-studded, candy-coated holiday—you know the one— I feel that it is my responsibility as your resident college single lady to convince you all why, when it comes down to it, being single is far superior to being in a relationship (or “an exclusive friendship with benefits,” or whatever you may be labelling or refusing to label it).
Argument #1: You avoid the perilous Walk of Shame
A few of you dear readers might have noticed upon waking this past Saturday morning that Mother Earth decided to drop a dumpster truck load of snow on the Hill whilst all the little Kenyonites were sleeping. This was alarming because, just the day before, the thermometers had reported a balmy 59 degrees. When you went to bed, the air was reminiscent of a windy night in the tropics—which may have led you to make some less-than-ideal decisions. After all, how were you supposed to know that you shouldn’t have foregone the tights in favor of bare legs, or chosen your new suede wedges over your more practical Bean Boots? Now that I think about it, the people engaging in walks of shame are probably more likely to be the single folk than the hitched ones…so this one’s more of a general piece of advice: nine times out of ten, you’ll wish you’d walked home 8 hours earlier. So, for the sake of your suede wedges, sleep in your single bed singly this February.
Argument #2: Staying out later
It’s a known fact that singles stay out later. While all the pairs start leaving the parties at 12:30 and retiring to their rooms like a bunch of old married couples, we single folk know it’s time for the real party to start. After the couples are all tucked away in bed, the rest of us are taking Gambier by storm. Have you ever hitched a ride from Safety to a party on the other side of campus or ordered fried pickles with a side of pickles at 2 am? No? You must have a boyfriend.
Argument #3: Better daydreams
This KCSL is a world-class daydreamer, especially in the classroom (and especially if said class involves one of the following: PowerPoints; reading aloud; peers who enjoy sharing their opinions as soliloquies; and anything involving dimmed lighting). Most of these daydreams, however, involve me running along the beach, smiling and jumping in the waves alongside some faceless, tanned, sexy man who is splashing me playfully. For variation, I like to mix up what I’m wearing, or what he’s wearing, or which beach, or how warm the water is. Before you take me as an unimaginative, modern day Sally Albright, let’s ponder for a second about what couples must daydream about in class. I seriously think my ultimate daydream would be compromised if I knew my dream man’s identity, and if his identity was as my long-term boyfriend. Talk about lack of excitement. But seriously, what do they think about in class? And please don’t tell me they have visions of candy hearts dancing in their heads.
Despite all of these very convincing arguments, I’ll admit that living the glamorous life of a KCSL can get lonely sometimes. And I’m not above buying myself a huge heart-shaped box of chocolates and pretending they were sent from my faceless tropical lover who wishes I was his girlfriend, but accepts that I am too awesome and too busy being a famous KCSL to be half of a power couple. Stay strong, all ye singles, and remember: 30-count boxes of chocolate are on sale in Rite Aid this week, and no one’s going to judge you if you ring one up with your bottle of bottom-shelf beverage of choice.
‘Til next time, sweet Kenyon lovers and livers,
xoxo
KCSL
P.S. If I’ve done nothing to convince you, maybe this list will. (Ignore #17 because this is obviously a guide for your life.)
P.P.S. If you want to make that tropical dream a reality, enter this contest! You could win a free vacation from Contiki, a guided travel company for 18-35 year olds! They offer trips in 46 countries, so you really could escape the Kenyon February doldrums!