I come from a Peruvian mother and an Iraqi father. Therefore, I am Iraqi, Peruvian, and American. Most people look at me and guess I’m either Hispanic or Arab. I’ve also confused quite a lot of teachers by having a very Arab last name, yet being fluent in Spanish.
Growing up my parents instilled in me that first and foremost I am American. They told me that they owe the way their lives are now to the United States. They say that they would not have been able to achieve what they have now if they had stayed in their countries. I’ve even seen them tear up at the national anthem.
Although I was always told I was first and foremost American, I grew up being very proud of coming from two distinct cultures. I’m not sure if it was because it made me feel special or because I saw many kids my age ignoring their culture. I am not sure if that hurt me or helped me growing up. But I did not realize how much being bicultural had affected me until recently.
One night I couldn’t sleep and started watching random buzzfeed videos. I came across the term ‘biracial’ in a video regarding fitting in. It explained that because you are so culturally divided, you are not ‘enough’ to be part of or feel at ease in any certain group. This resonated with me and all of a sudden it all made sense.
Around other Hispanic people, I do not feel comfortable or that I belong. I’ve sometimes been teased that I’m not Hispanic but instead “such a white girl”. No one ever meant that comment in a mean way, but it reiterated what I felt. I felt that the only thing that tied me to the Hispanic culture was knowing Spanish, having basic knowledge about my Mom’s culture, and watching novelas with my grandma. I never went to church, which is a big part of Hispanic culture. I’ve never understood slang used by those my age, nor did I go to culture festivals.
Around other Arab people I feel like a fraud. The only thing linking me to the culture is my last name. I never learned Arabic, as well as religion, simply out of childhood rebellion. My dad lived overseas for work for most of my childhood, so I never had much of chance to learn much either. Whenever my Dad wanted me to bond with other people of his culture, I felt like I was being thrown to the sharks.
Yet when unfortunate events occur that affect either of my heritages, my heart hurts, I take them personally, and I would stand up for them as ‘my people’. From discrimination or the obstacles they face for simply being who they are, to the anti- immigrant agenda our current government seems to be pushing.
Around white people I feel out of place. Yet they’re the group of people that I feel most comfortable being surrounded by. But interacting is totally different. Sometimes I feel I have to prove myself, to fight any stereotype about myself. Although I’ve personally never ever been discriminated against, for some reason I think that they’re looking at me thinking “you don’t belong here.” This is what I mainly blame myself and my anxiety for.
My issues with my identity transcended culture to my social identity as well. I now understand the reason my friend groups were so diverse growing up, not only in culture, but for example, sexual identity as well. These were the types of people my mom, who was born in the 50’s, would call ‘weirdos.” She would always complain and ask me why I was drawn to ‘different people’, because, typically, we had nothing in common. In high school I was always friends with the stereotypical ‘nerds’. But I wasn’t into the video games or graphic novels that they were, we didn’t read the same books or listen to the same music. Yet we connected on a human level. I even wondered about it for a long time myself, settling on the idea that they were accepting of my social ineptitude. But I have realized that all this time we did have something in common. We all did not fit one mold nor did we fit in one stereotype. There is no ‘my group of people’ for us, so we embrace a whole mass of others that are just, for lack of better terms, different.
So you see, growing up I was spread so thin that I never truly developed my identity. I am not writing this for pity or to feel sorry about myself, but for others who may be experiencing the same thing and not knowing why. Until I watched that Buzzfeed video and read more about it, I always thought it was my fault that I never felt comfortable in social settings. I blamed myself for being awkward and shy and not trying hard enough. And although I cannot blame my identity crisis on simply being biracial, knowing the root of the problem helps. Now I know why I feel the way I do. I know I have to work on my identity and how I view myself in the world.