It’s something we all admit to doing—something we are not necessarily ashamed of, yet realize could be time spent on better things. Whether we’re procrastinating, curious, or just downright bored, Facebook stalking has become a popular pastime of Generation Y. To think our parents needed to dig out the ol’ yearbook or (egad!) talk face-to-face to find out more about a person is simply outrageous!
Mentally checking off yes or chuckling to yourself under your breath at any or all of the seven signs below will classify you as an average college Facebook stalker.
1. You glance through the albums of complete strangers
A true Facebook stalker never knows where her clicking will lead her. You started out on your best friend’s profile, clicked to check out her sister’s, clicked to check out her unexpectedly hot boyfriend’s, clicked to see his also unexpectedly hot frat bro’s, and now you’re eye-raiding a girl named Beatrice from UMass’s wardrobe! It’d be easy to click away… if her clothes weren’t so darn cute!
2. You look at your own profile to make sure it’s acceptable to fellow stalkers
If you’re creeping on others, it’s only logical to think they are creeping on you. Unattractive photos must be untagged and “If 100,000 people like this I will name my son Batman” must be unliked. How much attention you crave determines how much you wish to keep private and how much you wish to shamelessly display. Keep in mind that it’s probably the most random people you can think of that are checking up on you. (Remember Beatrice? Yeah, she totally chose that picture as her cover photo ’cause she knew you were looking at it.)
3. You type the first letter of your crush’s name and he automatically pops up first
When searching your favorite sites, typing in a ‘B’ to the URL line and having ‘Blackboard’ automatically appear is a blessing. But punching in a ‘B’ on Facebook search and having dreamy lab partner Bobby’s profile automatically appear? Nothing screams this chick’s got a serious crush on “Boron Bobby” more. While you could always play it off to friends that the main way you two exchange notes is through Facebook, I’d just start liking boys that go by ‘Xavier.’
4. When someone says, “I was at Beyond last night,” you have to hold back the urge to say, “I know”
There are multiple of ways to alert your public sphere of your current action while it is actually happening. You can use Four Square – the site designed to let people know when you have practically become the mayor of Festival – or simply type up your coordinates as your status. If you scroll through your newsfeed enough, you’ll know what about twenty people did last night without even having to ask. But the fun part about knowing where everyone is comes the next day when you have to pretend it’s news you are hearing for the first time.
Sally: Hey girl! What did you do this weekend?
Patty: Oh, just went to Beyond with some friends for a 21st…
Sally: No way!
Yes way. Thanks to Facebook, Sally is so full of it. Not only did Sally already know Patty was at Beyond because of Patty’s “check-in,” Sally also knew from the recently uploaded album that Patty had ordered an Orange Crush, worn the same purple dress from her prof’ pic, and that the pow wow was in fact Patty’s own full-blown 21st.
5. You get mad when someone has really good privacy settings
You find out your ex has a new boo and you’re dying to see if you’re prettier than her. Problem is, her Facebook is on private! And thanks to the new timeline layout, the profile picture of her including seven friends is extremely tiny. If she is even the one you think she is, two pixels of blonde hair are not going to validate your concerns! (Wow; sometimes I can’t believe what I write…).
6. You never miss writing a “happy birthday”
Though you wouldn’t consider yourself a big commenter or “liker,” writing a happy birthday note everyday on a different friend’s wall is completely different, right? You’re a thoughtful person and you care about making that friend’s day special, duh! Why waste your time buying presents or crafting up a card when you can give a friend the most coveted gift of all – a new Facebook notification.
7. You found this article by Facebook stalking
Gotcha!
So I know it’s finals week and that paper’s not going to write itself! But guess what? Neither are you for the next thirty minutes. It’s fun to look around at friends’ and random people’s profiles, but I hope we can all agree there are more things to life than Facebook.
Like Twitter.