Now, don’t get me wrong: when I was a kid, I was as obsessed with Disney movies as the next girl. I owned every single one of them on VHS, and insisted on being one of the princesses for eight of the ten Halloweens it was still cool to dress up for.
But, like many other girls, I have recently been forced to come to the heartbreaking realization that those movies did not prepare me for real life. In any way. More than not prepare, even – they have sent me out into the big, scary world with some very significant disillusions. And while the princesses might’ve helped me out when I was younger – encouraged me to exercise my imagination, and play gender-appropriate dress-up, and do all those other things that child psychologists insist are extremely important for development – they are also responsible for instilling in me several confused behaviors and beliefs that have been quite detrimental to my well-being as a capable young (mostly) adult.
Warning: You might find yourself empathizing with some of these as I describe them in further detail. It’s okay. Don’t fight it. The Disney scars run deep, and sometimes it takes a little prodding to recognize them for what they are.
A Complicated Relationship with Nature
I really, really don’t understand why the bunnies all freak out and hop away when I try to put my face up close to theirs. Or why the squirrels scamper up to those dangerous-looking high branches when I sing to them. I really don’t. Aren’t all woodland creatures supposed to love me and want to do my laundry and stuff?
And it’s not even just the animals that are being difficult. I don’t know about you, but I’m still searching for that one willow tree that will turn into a face and give me obscure advice that will somehow still solve all of my problems. Seriously – any day now.
Unrealistic Hair Expectations
I think I can safely say that we all wanted Ariel’s gravity-defying bangs. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent in front of the mirror, desperately brushing at my hair in the hopes that I would one day have a side-part with that much volume. Needless to say, I felt very, very slighted when I finally realized that such a thing is literally impossible, and that all my grief was for naught. (Also when I discovered that there are no redheads in the world whose hair is actually… well, red.)
Mermaid aside, though – what about Jasmine? I mean, honestly. No one has that much hair. Yet, I was convinced that it was totally feasible to grow a ponytail the size of a tree trunk. And Mulan? All I can say is thank goodness my mother walked into the bathroom in time to snatch the scissors out of my hand, because my eight-year-old self was under the impression that I could just chop of all my hair in one swipe and all the ends would miraculously even themselves out. Yeah… oops.
Also, has anyone else ever wondered how Pocahontas managed to find a straightener in the middle of the woods?
The Need for a Crown
Ever notice how all the Disney women are princesses? I know, duh. But, honestly, it’s so routine: either you’re already a princess / discover you’re a princess, or you marry into royalty. End of story. With all the monarchs-in-waiting running around in those movies, it’s no wonder that I was left with the distinct impression that I could just walk out onto the street and snatch one up for my very own. As a result, I am now incapable of settling for anything less than a twelve-name title upon marriage and unlimited access to the crown jewels. Way to go, Disney.
An Insatiable Love for Tiaras and Ball Gowns
The princess lifestyle makes it very clear: there are always great clothes at the end of the tunnel. Belle, Cinderella, Aurora – they all got their wardrobes magically upgraded. And credit cards are basically magic, so… Yeah. I’m about ninety-eight percent sure that this early-development brain-washing is the reason behind my shopping addiction and impractically expensive taste.
Also, of the consequence of this addiction, which is:
An Inability to Budget and Not Be Forever Broke
Since I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that the mice will not be sewing my ball gowns for me – now, or at any point in my life – there is the accompanying realization that a price must be paid for all those to-die-for clothes. Which is a concept that never exactly comes up in the Disney princess formula. Clearly, these people are above the plebian workings of money. (I know, I know – there’s Tiana. To which I respond: where the heck was she when we were all growing up?)
But, actually: fashionable young princess shops herself into debilitating debt, then gets tossed out on her rear by Daddy to deal with 100 square foot apartments and coupon books? Yeah – not exactly Disney material.
The Idea that Love, Marriage, and Eternal Happiness All Come Before the Age of Eighteen
The princesses were all fresh-faced, clear-voiced, drop-dead-gorgeous little girls who found love at first sight. And then got married and never had a care in the world ever again. Of all the promises that Disney movies made, this vision of the future was probably the most consistent. So, naturally, it was also the most misleading.
There is plenty of feminist criticism on the misogynistic portrait of female potential that this emphasis on marriage and babies sets up. And on the passive, housewife-y demeanor that the likes of Snow White and Aurora encourages in the subconciouses of impressionable young girls. And most likely also on the truly frightening speed with which all of these girls pledged themselves to a complete stranger until death, and the equally frightening age at which they all made such a decision.
We’ve all read these essays and blog posts – or, at the very least, heard about them. I don’t think I need to repeat any of these ideas. In fact, from a personal standpoint, I only really have one thing to say:
Whoops. Guess I missed that boat.