You see a friend request from your family friend and you let it sit there for days. You wonder if it is worth it to offend them for the sake of privacy or to just bite the bullet and accept them. I mean, this is your mom’s really good friend from childhood and you have known her your whole life. And this other one you have been vacationing with since as long as you could remember. What the heck, you think. It doesn’t really matter. But since that fateful day you have gotten to know these family friends and older relatives and their Facebook presences, which can be categorized in the following:
The Secret Spectator
This family friend will not make his or her presence on Facebook known. They peruse their newsfeed and “just happened” to see something involving you. (Actually, this is probably true because people in older generations have significantly fewer friends on Facebook than we do). They mention it to your parents like, “Oh isn’t it so great that your daughter seems to be enjoying herself at school?” These people know their bounds. But some will go straight to you and say, “I just love the fact that I can check up on you any time!” You’re flattered that they think you lead an interesting life. But, how do you respond to them?
The Cool Friend
This person just gets you. You sometimes post funny things with this person in mind. You can count on her or him to totally appreciate that you are excited for Anchorman 2 to come out, or will also love that Daily Show with Jon Stewart bit about pizza. Once in a while, he or she will comment on something, and you have a moment together. The Cool Friend may be a lot older than you, but he or she is a good friend IRL who acts just like a college kid when online, and that’s rad.
The Over-sharer.
These people are the sole reason why my dad will never understand Facebook. They make status updates about every mundane thing that happens to them, and everything is always wonderful. This family friend will post about how lovely it was to wake up this morning and drink a nice cup of Lady Grey whilst sitting on their deck and enjoying the “jaunty jonquils.” They also love posting pics of their kids or their significant others. They have the propensity to write long, verbose statuses about some hilarious thing their baby did, and they use big words to make sure people know they are smart. They add locations to their photos and statuses, often to make you jealous. You like them in real life but you really dislike their internet presence. You forgive them a few times because you know that you can sometimes be romantic, too. But after you pull an ocular nerve from eye-rolling, you just hide them from your newsfeed and hope to never hear from them again.
The Truth Bomber
This person only uses Facebook to update everyone they know about something major that happened in their lives or their family members’ lives. They will tell the world that their daughter graduated from high school and they are so proud. They will post the sad news about a father’s death, and what organization to donate money to and where the wake will be. Basically, this person has other ways to keep in touch with his or her true friends and only uses Facebook once in a blue moon for the ease of instant communication.
The Kamikaze “Like”-r
You rolled over in bed in the morning and you checked your phone. A few texts and a couple Facebook notifications – pretty standard. Then, a few hours later after you are finished with class, you settle down at a table with your headphones in and you check Facebook again. DAMN! You got, like, twenty “likes.” You instantly think you’re snap crackle popular, but then you actually look at them and you droop. Every notification is a “like” of an individual photo. And it is always from that family friend who just decided today was the day that she or he would look at your profile and go through every new picture and make sure you know that you are liked. Well, you are. Feels good, eh?
The Commentator
Mostly these people are just sweet family friends or aunts and uncles who comment on your pictures that you look beautiful. And you appreciate it because, dang it, you work hard to look that good. This person was OBSESSED with your study abroad semester, and posted comments like “Looks like you’re having a BLAST! xo.” Sometimes they want to keep a connection with you, like “I see your school has a cute hole-in-the-wall spot for late-night coffee and treats! I remember mine fondly… enjoy those days!” After a big get-together, they may tag you in a ton of pictures and maybe even a status with twenty other people restating how much they love those traditions.
Not all of said friends in this category are pleasant. Some are so aware of their public presence on Facebook that they can’t help but make themselves look smart, much like the Over-sharer. They don’t “like” your photos; instead they want their voices to be heard. They might defend you publicly if your friend makes a joke at your expense. Be cool, man! It’s just a joke! They may even make rude comments on a study abroad pic like “I remember being in Rome myself. Are you seriously drinking water from a street fountain?” Shut it down. You put them on limited profile and never look back.