To begin, being comfortable in your own skin is a great feeling, and I know this now. There were and still are points in my life where I wish my thighs were thinner, especially when I’m trying on jeans at the mall, or ordering online. There have been times where I’ve actually cried out of frustration trying to fit into a cute pair of jeans that ended up being too small for my waist. I’ve left the mall with nothing instead of clothes that I liked out of fear that people would think I looked fat in what I was wearing.
Being tall, it has always been difficult to find clothes that work for my body. In seventh grade, I used to get yelled at every day for shorts that didn’t reach my mid-thigh. I would have to stay after school for detention every day because of this. My mom eventually called the school, she was furious. She explained to the principal how difficult it was for me to find shorts that fit that way, and how much money she had already spent on shorts that were “school appropriate.” I remember being so embarrassed by my height, weight, and I used to absolutely hate shopping for clothes.
However, that all changed when I became a freshman in high school. I began wearing whatever I wanted. I wanted people to see me for me, and not my body. I would go to school in dresses or big t-shirts. Though, I still had tricks to hide what I didn’t want people to see. I would sometimes wear long t-shirts to hide my “thunder thighs,” and boys would ask if I was even wearing shorts underneath. I would get embarrassed but my goal was to give people the allusion that I had shorter legs. I would strictly buy high waisted jeans for that thinner look, and I did everything to get that thigh gap everyone wanted, but I never succeeded. This girl I used to know once gave me weight loss pills, but I never took them. I feared that once I took them, I would never be the same.
One day I was at the beach with my closest friends from high school. We were getting ready to go to the beach and we all were putting on our bathing suits. I didn’t notice until I was on the beach how petite my friends looked in comparison to me, or so I thought. I stood there for a second and thought to myself, “why do I have to be the 5’9 curvy friend?” My whole life it was obvious that I was the tall friend, but for some reason that day it stuck out to me more than usual.
The thing is, nobody actually described me that way, or even saw me that way. I know for a fact my friends don’t look at my thighs and think “wow look how big Jordan’s thighs are!” My guy friends never teased me for being tall either, I was always just “Jordo” to them. I actually used to tease them because I was taller than most of them up until sophomore year of high school. I began to accept my height more and I would even wear heels when the opportunity came. I decided that it was time to embrace it because I was done growing and I wasn’t getting any younger, or shorter.
My friends would compliment me whenever I wore something that showed off my curves. They would tell me that they wished they were curvy, but it was hard to believe that they wanted my figure. With all the social media pressures these days, it seems like you’re either super skinny or you’re bigger and there is no in-between.
This past summer, I posted an Instagram picture of myself in an outdoor shower, post-beach day. I was actually really nervous to post this picture. My friends were screaming “post it posts it!” So I did, and I actually got a lot of positive feedback afterward. While scrolling through the comments I saw that an old friend of mine commented “thicc.” I wanted to know what he meant so I looked it up on urban dictionary.
The definition of thicc according to urban dictionary: When a person has fat in the right places, creating sexy curves.
Photo posted on my instagram
Now I know what you’re thinking, how is someone talking about being self-conscious and then posts a picture like that? But honestly, it took a lot for me to post that picture. I’ve struggled with body positivity and self-image for a long time, partially because all of my friends have always been smaller than me, and it seems like boys are more interested in petite girls than so-called “thick” girls like me. When I posted the picture I knew my mom would see it, my brothers, my friends, crushes, everyone. But I did it for myself because I liked the photo. The comments I received were so positive that I thought to myself, “are people serious?” And that’s when the light bulb went off in my head. Why should I care what other people think? What I think of myself is way more important than what people think of me, even if it is positive. I was so hung up on the number of likes and comments I got on the photo, I forgot the main purpose of posting it in the first place. I posted it for myself.
My turning point to my journey of self-love was fairly recent. I’ve been a happy, free spirit my whole life. I regret ever letting negative thoughts about my body hold me back from doing things I love, like shopping. I’ve realized that my body is truly my permanent home. Homes are supposed to be comfortable, cozy, happy, and loving. When I realized this, I began to understand there is no perfect person and no perfect home either. Everyone has their own struggle. Love yourself because you only have one body and one life. Self-love is the best love because once you love yourself anything is possible. So, go post that Instagram picture that you low-key like but are scared to post, buy that tight dress for a night out, and eat an extra slice of pizza. As I said, you only have one life, so love the life you live!