Chapter 1:
“Alright! 4.0!” says Dad from behind his desk. It felt so good to get his approval after coming home from such a strenuous semester. The snow is gently grazing past the living room window, like something out of a Hallmark. The relief that escapes my lungs feels almost as refreshing as the crisp December air. It’s finally winter break. I get to see my “home friends” and my family and enter a new headspace. Most importantly though, I get to sleep in my bed. There is nothing like coming home to your bed. Naturally, I find my way to my room after debriefing Mom and Dad about the rest of school. Obviously, I only told them about the academic parts…I do plan to see the light of day tomorrow. Besides, this break is going to be so good, I’m practically jumping up and down like a child. My birthday is coming up in 4 days on the 17th and I talked to LM3, the home friend group chat, and we all decided to combine my birthday with the 5th annual “Friend-mas.” People ask me all the time if it’s hard to have a birthday near Christmas. I suppose it is if it’s all about the presents for you, but I just like being around my friends. Ergo, having the “friend group Christmas” with my birthday feels perfect.
I’m fully unpacked and, at this point dozing in my bed. “Knock, knock. How’s my beautiful girl?” said Mom. Mom’s name is actually Pamela but everyone, even my friends, just call her Mom. Her head was peeping out from behind the door. I love when we have our little chats. They always start with “beautiful girl” and end with a hug.
I told her I was good, just glad to be home. It’s hard to be away for so long and I’m excited to see my friends. Speaking of, I gave her the whole debrief for the plans I had tomorrow.
“I know Maddy isn’t home yet, she has her last final around 10 but I told her I’d meet her when she does get home around 5. Before that, I’m planning to drop by Lara’s around 1 but it might get pushed a little later around 2. I think she has an appointment” I said. Mom is sitting on the end of my bed smiling, she’s used to this. “So much for a break, huh. And what’s up with the last 1⁄4 of LM3, that sweetheart Mya?” she asked. “Oh, she’s working tomorrow but she said she’d try and stop by this weekend.” I said. Mom laughs, “Just text me where you end up in the morning. I love you, sleep well.” she says. We hug and she closes my door behind her. I sit on my phone for a little but eventually text LM3 goodnight. I settle in and get lulled to sleep by the sounds of my house.
Chapter 2:
DING. DING. DING, DING, DING, DING.
Jesus christ! I’m startled awake by my phone blowing up. I’m so confused and groggy. Honestly, I’m pissed off. I’m looking at my phone to see what the big deal is at 2:30AM. I see a huge text block from Lara in LM3. It read:
“I feel the need to update you on what’s going on right now. As of 6pm tonight, Gus has gone missing. He was last heard from around 5pm when he said bye to Maddy before heading home. He was supposed to get home at 9pm but never showed up and isn’t answering his phone. There’s news coverage of an accident on the same highway we use to get home from school, so my mom and sister went to the hospital around there to see if he was admitted or anything. We don’t really know what’s happening yet but please keep this between us until we know more. I love you guys and I’m not okay.”
Oh my god. Whatever I was expecting, the last thing in the world was a text like that. I immediately text back to the chat, “I’m so sorry Lara, we will find your brother. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know. That goes for you too, Maddy.” Out of anyone, it’s unsurprising Maddy is the first one to notice he is missing. She’s been dating Gus for 3 years now and I’m pretty sure she could predict his next blink.
After the initial shock, we all texted about the accident Lara mentioned. What were the actual odds he was even in this accident? There are so many reasons he isn’t answering his phone. The number one reason being he is supposed to be driving.
I’m wide awake and pulsing with anxiety. The news articles just keep getting worse. One reads, Multi-vehicle crash closes I-78, and another says, At Least 4 Die in School Bus and Truck Crash on I-78. I justify every reason it wasn’t Gus. There are thousands of cars on that road..his phone probably died..he stopped for food..and it simply was just Gus. He was untouchable. He was effortlessly a perfect student and was loved so much that his highschool German teacher named her baby after him. He didn’t have a single enemy. Like come on, everyone has someone who doesn’t like them; not Gus.
Hours are passing and there’s still no news. I try to close my eyes a bit but it’s useless. I’m now propped up against my wall with my head hanging off the end of my neck like the bait at the end of a line.
Around 4:15am I got a text. I’m awake in an instant and scramble to my phone. “It was him,” it read. I stared at my phone in utter shock, and read it again. My back was aching from sitting upright in my bed in anxiety and anticipation. The world was silent and my body froze. My eyes kept reading and rereading and rereading.
I let out my first breath after the news and finally laid back, the aching continuing. It was him. My thoughts moved from shock to an overwhelming feeling for Lara and her family. It almost left like I wanted to put a blanket around her family and hug them. This should have never
happened to anyone but the fact that it happened to them, to us? My thoughts shift again. This time to the thought that I knew him. I really knew him. We grew up together and he was dating my best friend. I’ve gone with him to get the Christmas tree for their house and I’ve played in the pool with him and Ty, his baby step brother. I won’t ever do those things again.
Another shift of realization led to the fact that Lara is now the oldest sibling and Maddy lost the love of her life.
It was all so confusing and I desperately tried to make it make sense. I heard two knocks at the door, it was Mom. She probably heard I was up and wanted to make sure I was okay. She popped her head in and before she could finish, “Hi beau-” I cut her off and said, “Mom, Gus died in an accident.”
There was a pause and then it was within a blink that she had made it across the room and was now hugging me. We sobbed together and wilted. I cried into her tight embrace until the exhaustion drowned me and swept me to a place between sleep and unconsciousness.
Chapter 3:
The next thing I know, I’m waking up to the sounds of Dad leaving the house for work. That means it’s at least 8am. I’m tired but hastefully grab my phone, confirming the events of last night with a new message in the group chat. Mya said, “I’m here for you guys. If there is anything I can do for you today please let me know.” She and I are somewhat stuck to the same line. We of course mean what we are saying but it’s also because I’m not quite sure what else to say.
Everything, the anxiety, the anger, and the sadness all flooded back from the night before. I remember just then that Mom was with me last night but has since gone. I go to look for her, having an inkling she’s making breakfast.
I was right, Mom was sitting at the dining room table with her book, tea, and the remnants of what looks like an omelet. She watched me come down the stairs and met my gaze with soft eyes. “Hi beautiful, how are you doing?” she said. I start to break down a little. It’s all so unbelievable. She gives me a minute but says, “An unfortunate part of growing up is experiences like these. I looked at her, a little enraged and said, “It’s so unfair. How are ‘these things’ a part of life when I’ve never heard of anything like this happening to anyone I’ve ever known?”
Mom absorbed my tone and let it go knowing I was hurting. She replied, “When I was 22, as you know, I was a dancer. I would create beautiful shows with a group of amazing people. We performed together for years and it was a lot of fun. We would go out drinking after the shows and get up the next morning and do it all over again. One of my best dancers, Evelyn, was the heart of the spring show. She was amazing and had worked so hard putting choreography
together. One night after a show, we all went out drinking and found ourselves partying until 3 in the morning. Evelyn decided to call it quits and I agreed since we had 2 shows the next day. I normally drive her home but she decided to get a ride from one of the crew that lived closer to her. She didn’t want to put me out since it was already so late. I agreed. I got a call around 7am the next morning that Evelyn and the crew member had died. Apparently, they had been outside smoking one last cigarette before the drive home and ended up playfully doing some of their choreography. They had been dancing a little too close to the road and a drunk driver from the bar had hit them. At first, I felt the whole thing could have been avoided if I just drove her home
like I normally do. It took me a long time to realize this but nothing I did or could do after that night would be able to bring Evelyn back. The only thing I could do was honor her and remember her.”
I was astounded but also comforted, which I suppose was Mom’s intent. She’s never told that story before although I’ve definitely heard about Evelyn’s dancing.
It’s about 11am now and I’m feeling pressure to do something more for Lara and Maddy, I’m just not sure what. I don’t want to crowd them, but I don’t want them to think I’m not there for them either. Also, what do I say to her? I don’t want to show up a mess and make them feel like they would need to take care of me in any capacity. At the same time, I also don’t want to seem like what happened isn’t affecting me deeply, clearly it is.
DING. Mya texted me and it gave my spiraling mind something to focus on for a minute. She said: “Hey, I feel really torn about how to handle being with Lara and Maddy right now. Maddy told me she just can’t be in Lara’s house, understandably. I also know Lara needs to be home with her mom right now too. I feel like it just makes it hard to be sure to provide what they need.”
I replied, “I’m glad you texted me because I was having the same feeling. I’m also just struggling mourning Gus and mourning for Lara and Maddy. If you’re up for it maybe we can split up. I’ll take care of Lara and you can take care of Maddy. Of course, I’ll be over to both but being able to provide some sort of consistency by being available is something I’d at least appreciate, I think.” Mya agreed with me and said it made sense because I’m Lara’s childhood friend and she’s Maddy’s. Lara introduced me to Mya in highschool and Maddy joined our group shortly after she started dating Gus. She fit right in since she had already been friends with Mya.
I have a plan now, which is good. I just have to actually get there. I’m kind of upset with myself, my best friend cannot be alone right now and I’m dragging my feet in the shower. With that thought, I finish up and get dressed.
Chapter 4:
Latta street was lined with cars. It was the day after Gus’s passing and everyone rushed to fly in or travel to get to the house. I took a deep breath and let myself in. I look around the room and aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and grandparents were clustering in the living room around Jodi, Lara’s mom. Jodi was sobbing and I had never heard that noise come from her before. I had never seen her sad in any capacity actually. She’d been pissed off for sure and I’ve definitely disappointed her but never have I seen her sad. I didn’t want to make my presence too big so I went around and found my way to Lara’s room. I knocked, preparing myself. “Come in”, Lara said. I opened the door to Lara sitting on her bed with water bottles, clothes, and tissues around her. Oh man, I wanted to cry. Not just for her but for us. I pushed that thought out of orbit. My best friend is sitting in front of me in the most pain she’s ever experienced and ever thought could exist. I went right over to her and hugged her. I kept myself from crying by taking 3 huge, labored breaths.
“Hey” she said. “Hi” I said. I had no idea how she wanted to do this. Some people want something to take their mind off their pain, others want to talk through it. Lara had always been my emotional twin flame. We thought the same way and had similar perspectives on things. It was quite hilarious in some cases. We would always have the same comments on people or events and I could always count on her to be just as “out of pocket” as me. Right now though, I realized I had no idea what her thoughts could be. Instead of pushing her one way or the other, I decided to step back and allow the space to just exist. She started by saying, “I’m so tired, Mari.” Understandably so, she explained she obviously didn’t sleep last night and was up taking care of not only her mom but coordinating with her dad, Matt, and step mom, Jenn. They live about an hour south of here but Matt was actively in Switzerland on a work trip. “Yeah, he booked a flight back when Jodi told him the official news. She was in no shape to drive so I had to go pick him up at the airport.” she said. Oh my god, imagine getting that call in a foreign country. Lara continues to talk about last night but also brought up a few stories about Gus. She reminisced about their childhood and the fact that her entire life has been about catching up to Gus. They were only a year and a half apart and were the same age for 3 months out of the year. Lara was always on his tail trying to beat him, perform better, or outsmart him. It was no use though, and I think she knew that. She knew he was unattainable and unmatchable. That was part of the magic in it and a big part of their relationship. She continued, “Now I will catch up. He will always be a 20 year old college junior. I’ll eventually graduate, get married, and have kids. He’ll never have that.” That thought was hollowing. We both sat there in somewhat awkwardness. She broke the silence and said, “Anyways, I have to go see Grammy tomorrow with Maddy and I don’t know how long it’s going to take. You’ll come back though, right?” she asked. I told her of course I’d be back, she just had to text me. She gave a half smile then turned her head and said, “Oh god, I guess I’m wearing this sweatshirt Snuggy to Grammy’s. I’m just so behind on everything that I’ve been wearing dirty clothes. I never got to do it after I came home for break. But, I just can’t think about it right now.”
One-hundred percent, that would be the last thing on my mind too. We talked a little more and she started to doze off. She hadn’t slept in over 48 hours at this point so I turned off her lights and stayed as quiet as possible. I eventually put myself to bed too and got comfortable on the end of her bed. “Goodnight Lar, I love you” I said to her, knowing my words probably wouldn’t reach her.
Chapter 5:
It was the next morning and I woke up to help Lara get out the door to Grammy’s. She wore her Snuggy and tamed her hair the best she could and then left. I’ve been in her house by myself countless times but this time it felt stressful. I knew why but I tried not to internalize it. I looked around Lara’s room seeing how truly disheveled it really was in daylight. I thought to myself if the only thing I can do for her is to take one thing off her mind, then I’m sure as hell doing it. I collected every item of clothing from around the room, emptied suitcases, and grabbed her shower towels. I got half way down the hall and realized the washer was already running. I went the rest of the way and into the kitchen where I met Jodi. “Hi Mar Mar” she said. “Hi Jod, sorry, do you know when the laundry will be out?” I said. She told me she had quite a few loads to get through and I felt so bad bothering her already I just decided to take the laundry to my house. I gathered my things and took one last look around the room. I noted to myself she was low on her facial cleanser and decided to pick that up on the way home.
BUZZ, the drier was done with the last load. I folded what was in the drier and then packed all 4 loads into 3 large bags. I pulled in to see the same car lined street, this time without Lara’s car. Hauling 4 loads of laundry, once more I made it past the families and friends and to Lara’s room. I exhaled once I got there. Even though I was here yesterday, it still wasn’t any easier seeing such pain. I separated her shirts in one pile, pants in another, and finally the towels. I stood up and took the towels to the linen closet in the hallway. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to see Jenn sobbing and she pulls me in for a hug. I was surprised but also not surprised at all. I hug her back as tight as I can. She says, “thank you for being here” between her sobs. She’s shaking. I’m silent for a moment. It’s almost as if I could feel her overwhelming grief soak into my shirt. “Where else would I be?” I replied finally.
A couple hours passed and the house calmed down. Lara came home, said hello but fell asleep shortly after. I made sure she had what she needed but felt I could go home to eat. Right then, I feel my phone buzz. Mya: “Hi, are you able to come to Maddy’s? She wants to see you.” I’m exhausted but my text read: “Okay, I’ll be there in 10.”
Chapter 6:
Similar to Latta street, Maddy’s neighborhood was littered with cars. I knock on her
door. “Come in” she said. I see her laying in her bed with Mya and her other friend from school, Abby. I find a place on the corner of her bed and make myself comfortable while the girls continue talking. Maddy is incoherent and repeats the same sequence of events before Gus had left the night he died. She seems to sob even harder each time. I start realizing this is what she needs. She needs to allow herself to process and tell us what happened in the way she is compelled to. She explains, “My baby was crushed by a bus! He was murdered! I was such an asshole to him before he left, I yelled at him. I was so stressed trying to study for my final. I didn’t even say I love you back to him. Then he was crushed by a bus!” It was hard to listen, it hurt to listen. There is a weight of anxiety on my chest, immoveable like the roots of a tree. The whole thing just makes me want to wrap my sibling and my family in bubble wrap or be able to look over their shoulder with omniscient eyes and protect them. We were all so unsuspecting. You hear about accidents all the time, but you never think it’s going to be someone you love. Maddy’s exasperations told us that Gus didn’t do anything wrong, he was stopped with the rest of traffic for construction and the bus driver who hit him was speeding. How could they be so reckless? If they were tired, why didn’t they pull over? They should have known. It makes me sick thinking about having someone in my family ripped away. It makes me even more sick that Gus was ripped away.
Chapter 7:
The next few days were filled with running between Lara and Maddy’s houses and attending events to honor Gus. Our high school hockey team honored him at one of their games, same with his club team. The local hockey team for our area, the Phantoms, even donated a party suit and free tickets to Lara’s whole family. It was nice to be around people who knew Gus but it was also still confusing. I still didn’t quite know how to act.
All of these events culminated in the funeral, and it was tomorrow. It was the last event we had to go to to honor Gus, and frankly it was the most stressful one. Not only just being around such a large amount of people but also in my head it finalized everything. His body would be there but he wouldn’t be.
Black skirt, black sweater, black stockings, and black shoes; I put on the outfit I layed out the night before. I always imagine funerals to be rainy but this one was just cold. I told Mya I’d pick her up and even though it’s 20 minutes in the opposite direction, I’m kind of glad to be going with her.
I make it to her house, she gets in, and I start the drive. We sit in silence with nothing other than the sound of the wind brushing past the window and the tune of our own thoughts. I pull into the parking lot and we wait in line to enter the funeral home. I make it past the front door and suddenly I’m in a line of at least 100 people coiled around the home waiting to pay their respects. The line passes along different arrangements of picture boards and Gus’s favorite belongings. I see myself in some. Pictures from birthday parties and vacations. Some of them are
from simply hanging out at their house. I catch a glimpse of the end of the line and there he was. A green box about as big as a book. I felt so odd. My friend is in there. Everything he ever was or accomplished is pictured out here and all he will continue on to be, is that box.
I eventually make it to the front of the line and see Lara next to her grandparents, great grandparents, Matt, Jenn, Ty, Maddy, and Jodi. Mya and I give hugs but quickly find our seats seeing as though we’ve been around everyone for days now.
The initial greeting of the family is now over, and everyone is seated. I look around and catch a glimpse of Mom and Dad seated to the left. They said they’d be coming, I just didn’t know when. We all quietly await the words of the people who knew Gus best. I hear a faint inhale. I’ve been surrounded by mourning friends and family all day, but this sounded different. I quickly noticed Nammy, who is Grammy’s mother. Lara’s 98-year-old great grandmother’s head is falling with each breath. Others notice too, specifically Jenn. Soon enough there is a little crowd around Nammy. Someone said, “her heart!” Someone else uttered, “no it’s the collar of her shirt.” Nammy said in between labored breaths, “Never…in a million…years…” People are going back and forth now about calling an ambulance. Nammy continues, “did I think…I would outlive…my….youngest grandson.” Watching this unfold felt like a knot slipping loose. I was unraveling. I wanted every excuse to leave and to push away the pain. Having to lose your grandson and watch your son lose his son is an inconceivable thought. I felt like I was burning. “Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.” I was screaming on the inside. I looked at Mya and she gave me a horrified look back. “Are you okay?” she asked. I can’t even utter a word back to her or else I’d break out sobbing. As if she could read my mind, Mya whispered, “You’re allow to cry Mar, you know that right? I felt like I couldn’t either but this happened to you to.” I looked at her then looked for Mom. I caught her eye and they softened. She gave me a half smile then mouthed “I love you”. I turn my attention back to my seat and that’s when I start to cry. I feel Mya squeeze my hand but that was it. I feel so much tension leave my body and the need to leave completely left. It also didn’t feel uncomfortable to cry after all, everyone here was crying.
The final decision was to take Nammy home. She was escorted out and some tension was released. It was time for people to speak. Lara stood up and took a deep breath. She was giving his obituary and it started with, “Someone once told me all matter starts as stardust and ends as stardust. Gus not only started as a star but continued to be one his whole life.” It was heartbreaking watching her try to keep herself together. She ended with, “I know you’re a star in the sky bubby and will always watch over us. I love you and I’m so glad to have known you.” Following Lara were words from Matt, Jenn, Lara’s grandfather, and Gus’s hockey coach. Each story gave insight into Gus’s character and how special each and every relationship was. I started to appreciate how large of an impact he had on everyone in his life in only 20 years. Some people don’t learn to love or to be loved for decades into their life. Gus appreciated everyone and made sure they knew it too in the two decades he was with us.
Soon, it was all over, everyone started filing out. Maddy, Mya, and I stood up and waited for Lara at the back. Lara thanked people, hugged them, then thanked them again. She made her way to the back, eyes glossy and with her obituary crumbled into a ball in her hand. She fell into use and said, “I don’t have the words to tell you how I feel. I just keep thinking how I got so lucky to have you guys. It’s rare to have one good friend, but three? I would not have made it.”
That made me smile. It felt good to know that we were able to be there for her in a way that she felt supported. The past couple weeks had not been easy on anyone, especially her and her family, so it was nice to know she saw the effort. Seeing everyone leave the funeral was somewhat closure. Every single person in that room lost Gus and in the same fashion, everyone in that room had loved him too.
Chapter 8:
It has been a couple weeks since the funeral and break was coming to an end. The thought of leaving home was terrifying. I had been visiting Maddy and Lara regularly and not being able to physically be there for them was just something I wasn’t quite sure how to handle. I was at Maddy’s house when I brought this up. “I just can’t. I know I wouldn’t do well being at our school without him there. We signed a lease for next year, Mari. I just can’t go back” said Maddy. I tell her, “I understand not feeling able to go back, and no one should be expecting you to do anything at this point. You can take it at your own pace.” I knew Lara felt the opposite though. She’s been itching to leave for school ever since Jodi took up smoking again after Gus’s death. It’s hard to know what would be best. Though, knowing Mya went to the community college and would be home for Maddy made me feel better. I left her house and that conversation with some clarity.
It was the next day and I woke up in my bed to the smell of warm tea. I went down stairs and saw Dad leaving for work and Mom sitting behind two mugs and her book. “This one for me?” I asked. “Morning beautiful, I made it how you like it.” she replied. I sipped on the tea and after a few minutes of sighing, Mom finally had enough. “What’s on your mind?”she asked. Gosh, she can read me like a book. I explain how I’ve been struggling with the decision to go back to school. Frankly, I was dreading it. Not only the thought of going back and having to function around people who had no idea what happened but also even just getting there. The drive back was an hour and thirty and took me on the Schuylkill. It’s nicknamed the “merge or
die.” Perfect. Mom said, “I definitely understand your reservations about school but do you think going back at a later time will actually be beneficial or do you think it’ll just prolong the stress that is inevitable?” Clearly she has an opinion that is leaning in the direction of me going back but I appreciate her phrasing it a way where I know she respects it’s my decision. Just then, I got a notification on my phone. Almost as if she willed it, it was an email from my school releasing my spring semester schedule. That was my sign, I had to go back.
Chapter 9:
My things are sitting all packed, and I’m hugging Mom and Dad goodbye when I hear a honk. I’m startled a little but soon see Lara, Maddy, and Mya walking up my driveway. “You didn’t think you could leave without seeing me, did you?” said Lara with a sarcastic glare. Maddy and Mya smiled at that. I was so incredibly glad to see them. “I love you guys, and I’ll be back in town soon to check in, I promise,” I said to them. We hugged, and I got into the car. I pulled away and looked to see my heart waving goodbye to me in my review. I don’t know what I’d do without them. In a surprisingly relaxed mindset, I made my way through town to the turnpike.
Deep breaths, look in your mirror, and double check your blind spot. I repeated that check list in my head 4 times until I actually managed to merge onto the turnpike. My anxiety lowered and it actually started to feel good to be on the road. I settled in the left lane at a cool 68mph; not too fast but not slow enough where it was dangerous. The rest of the ride was a straight shot until my school exit. My eyes were glued to the road but my mind wandered a bit reflecting on these past couple weeks. “Well that didn’t go as planned” I thought to myself. I let out a half laugh, half sigh. Although I didn’t get to relax and I didn’t end up celebrating my birthday or Friendsmas, I did walk away from this break in a new head space.
“Turn left in 0.2 miles onto Homer Drive” Siri said to me through my car speakers. I turned into school and the feeling of familiarity covered me like a blanket. I let myself into my apartment and went straight to my room. I dropped all my bags and sat on the bed. This time not in my bed, but rather one I made my own. All around my room were pictures of my friends, family, and things I enjoyed. I nuzzled in with an understanding; loss is so deep because the love is so profound.