Winter break is almost here!!! To help get you through the sheer absolute torture of finals week, I have something to lift your spirits: the movies that are very shortly coming to a theater near you. Even better, seeing one of these films is great excuse to get out of the house for a little while if your family keeps asking you what you want to do with your life. This is a complete win-win.
And now, on with the countdown.
December 12 — “Once Upon a Deadpool”
I’m gonna be honest, I really am not sure what this movie is. It’s rated PG-13 instead of R like “Deadpool” and “Deadpool 2” but who knows what that means. This movie will probably be a pretty fun time, though, regardless.
December 14 — “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse”
This movie looks so fun. Basically, all the different Spider-Mans–Peter Parker, Miles Morales, Spider-Woman, even Spider-Ham–come together in one crazy jumble. I personally have low expectations for the plot of this movie, but I have high high hopes for the comedic genius of this movie.
December 19 — “Mary Poppins Returns”
I have mixed feelings on this one. It already has a ton of Golden Globe nominations, which is promising, but I just cannot fathom anyone but Julie Andrews being Mary Poppins. And yeah, it has Lin-Manuel Miranda, the most perfect human ever born, but he’s playing a BRITISH dude. My man is Puerto Rican, why are you making him a colonizer?? Obviously I’ll be going to see it, but I’m going in with some skepticism.
December 21 — “Aquaman”
Hmmmm. Jason Momoa is pretty to look at, but this movie looks BAD. I’m sorry but it’s true. “Wonder Woman” was great, but “Justice League” was bad and this is going to be bad. DC should take a hint and just make movies about women. Problem solved.
December 21 — “Bumblebee”
Oh man. This movie looks straight up awful. It does have John Cena, who is a beautiful shining light upon this wretched earth, but still. It’s another Transformers, and just….. looks so dumb. 0/10.
December 21 — “Welcome to Marwen”
This movie has a talented cast like you wouldn’t believe. Not only have we got Steve Carell, but also Leslie Mann, Janelle Monae, and Eiza Gonzalez. I personally am not completely sold on the premise– basically, Steve Carell has PTSD and so he makes a whole little doll village that reflects his real life that basically helps him escape. You know how in “Hunchback of Notre Dame” Quasimodo makes those little wood carvings of like all Paris so he feels like he’s part of it? That’s the vibe I’m getting here.
December 25 — “Vice”
Man oh man this movie looks GREAT. Yeah, it’s about Dick Cheney, but don’t let that dissuade you, because it looks entertaining as HECK. And yeah, it’s got Sam Rockwell, who somehow won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor from “3 Billboards” despite being terrible, but don’t let that dissuade you either, because he’s playing George W. Bush, who is terrible in his own right anyway. The point is, go see this movie.
December 25 — “On the Basis of Sex”
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS, KIDS. Finally, a movie we don’t deserve but got anyway: the immortal story of our lord and savior, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Now I’m not a massive fan of Felicity Jones after she agreed to participate in the human tragedy that was “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” but I am willing to let that go for 120 minutes in order to appreciate this movie in all its glory.
All right, obviously there are lots more, and obviously this was all just my personal opinion, but there you have it! Happy Holidays!