A year ago, I wrote an article about toxic relationships from an open perspective. A few days ago, was the year anniversary of my leaving mine. I wanted to reflect on what this healing process was like, tell a little of my story, and how this relationship really helped me grow and become stronger as a person. One of the hardest things was finding the strength to leave and to never look back. My friends at school told me for months how they noticed staying with them wasn’t bringing the best out of me. My best friends from back home told me that I was going to be better off without them. I was scared, but that feeling was valid. My biggest fear was ending up alone, but I didn’t realize they were the reason I was feeling so alone.
The night before I removed them from everything, I felt a sense of guilt knowing what I was planning to do the next day. I’m not one to go to church every weekend anymore, but I do believe in God. That night before I went to sleep, I asked God for a sign that what I’m going to do was right and to give me the strength to let go of something so draining. The next morning, I woke up and saw I was removed from all of the social media platforms we both had. I messaged them and asked what it was all about, and they told me that they were talking to someone else. At first, my heart sank. Then I remembered; this was my sign, and I was about to take this sign and run with it.
A few hours later, they saw a post on my Snapchat story of my friends and me having a good time at the dining hall. They got angry at me and told me “they were going to remove me again because they didn’t like what I had posted” and that “the Snapchats I was posting at college were making them mad.” It was something in this statement that finally caused me to break and for the first time in that relationship, I stood up for myself. I finally decided at that moment, I was done and did not deserve someone who made me feel bad for trying to be happy and made me feel so miserable. I was done feeling like I would never be enough for someone and I was tired of someone making me feel so low. The moment I hit block, I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and all I was able to do was cry. I never felt stronger than in this moment, and it was the most empowering moment in my life. That day, I took all the stuff they gave me, put it in a box, sent it to their house, and knew this was the beginning of my healing journey.
As it is with any relationship ending, it was an adjustment. I was used to them being the first person I would text or Snapchat in the morning. It was weird the first few days not seeing a notification from them. While it was weird, it was also nice not having to argue with them over the smallest of things. It was refreshing no longer being put down because I was doing well for myself. It was relieving not having to worry about upsetting them, or them being in a mood and deciding if it was going to be taken out on me. I was doing things for myself and no longer dropping everything to accommodate them to prevent a fight. For the first time in a while, my heart didn’t race anytime my phone went off.
The first few weeks were the hardest and were a mix of emotions. I felt relieved they were gone; some days I was sad, other days I was blatantly angry that I sat there and tolerated what I did. There were some restless nights and a few nightmares that woke me up in a pure panic. There were tears shed, but every new day is a day closer to healing and finding my inner closure. With every day it did get easier; until the pandemic hit.
When my friends and I went home for spring break we didn’t realize the next time we would all see each other was going to be when we were packing up to go back home. In April, I started a new job that presented me with an opportunity to grow in my career. My new coworkers very quickly became family to me and they made being at work enjoyable and the days fly. I threw myself into my schoolwork and my new job. Once summer vacation started, I only had every other weekend off and it was how I liked it at that time.
As the months went on, they were on my mind a lot less. Certain things would remind me of them here and there, but it wasn’t taking a toll on me anymore. They stopped appearing in my dreams. I kept the focus on myself, my work, and getting ready to come back to college in the fall. When I got back, walking past certain parts of campus or downtown would flash me back to the previous fall. It was an unsettling feeling, but I made new memories to replace the old, chilling ones.
Overall, I think the biggest thing this relationship taught me was to never tolerate any type of behavior that makes you feel worthless, overly-anxious, or simply not enough. I finally began to put myself first after months of having to “cater” to someone else and their needs. I learned a lot about setting boundaries, how to spot red flags and that I’ll never settle for less than what I deserve.
In this last year, I learned that I am the most person in my life and that my needs and mental health come first. I learned that the person I thought I could live without was the root of a lot of my sadness and problems, and that’s not how healthy relationships work. Maybe they never hit me, but I was no longer walking on eggshells. I was no longer a puppet on their strings. The days weren’t as dreary, and I was able to see clearer when the rain left. Sometimes, you don’t realize you were in a low point until you’re out on the other side. It does get better, it is possible to leave, it is possible to heal, and I’ll never choose to settle for something I don’t deserve.