“I Am Finally Clean”
Eight months ago, I was listening to a Taylor Swift playlist when the song “Clean” come on. I related to the song because I was just about to leave an abusive relationship, but couldn’t get the courage too. I was scared to be without the person I once loved. At this point in my life, the world was crumbling around me. I dreaded my life from day to day. But once I heard this song I was inspired. I wanted to relate to the song. I wanted to be clean of the abuse, of the toxic relationship I felt captive in. So I left.
In December, I was five months sober of him. I was still working through problems that he left me with. I was still scared of him. I was still almost missing him. I would turn on this song and remind myself, I was okay and I was going to be okay. I would go back constantly to the day we fell apart. The day I decided to not be treated like dirt. The day that all the butterflies disappeared. The day where the world crumbled around me. The day I grew.
In February, I was seven months sober. I missed our friendship. I missed our laughs. I missed who I thought you were. I would have killed to have one conversation with you. But I wasn’t going to risk my mental health. I wasn’t going to risk saying “hello” to you. I refused for you to have me under your thumb again. I knew I was a better person without you in my life.
In April, I was nine months sober, you decide to talk to me. I have taken every precaution I could for you not to talk to me, but here we are. You try to pity me. You try to be sweet but it’s not working. I thought you would have won but here we are. I’m smiling and laughing at your message, wondering why I was so worried about you in the first place. You WERE something to me, but you ARE nothing to me now.
This song changed my life. This song is the reason why I’m healthy and smiling. This song is the reason I’m still strong. I can finally relate to it. I can finally scream it at the top of my lungs and mean every single word to every single line. And all I want to say to the world is…”I Am Finally Clean.”