Some people have scars as proof of their battles. I have chubby cheeks.
There is a whole lot of pain behind these cute, pinchable, rosy cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, my cheeks have never been small. Jewish grandmas used to pinch them and say, “Bubeleh, you are so pretty! You can be a model!”
Nope. Not with these cheeks, grandma.
I remember when I was in middle school, a girl once told me that she had seen a picture of me prior to meeting me and based on my face, she thought I would be fat.
My cheeks and I never had too many conflicts. Sometimes, I hated them. They made me look “cute,” “fat,” or “like a baby.” But for the most part, I forgot about them.
But then I came to college and that’s when the whole chubby cheeks situation blew up – literally.
These are just some of the amazing friends that have supported me through it all.
It was sophomore year. I was loving IU. I had great friends and was having the time of my life. But the party came to a halt.
In the fall semester of that year, I was never feeling well. I would go to the bathroom about 25 times a day and would throw up often. I couldn’t hold any food or liquid down, would break out in a fever then suffer from dizzy spells, and was constantly fatigued.
While I was really sick, my cheeks were at an all-time low.
My family and I didn’t know what was wrong. Two months later, I went to a gastro-specialist in Bloomington and had a colonoscopy.
The results? I had severe ulcerative colitis – an unsexy condition, which causes inflammation of the large intestine and rectum.
I had to start treatment immediately. I thought they had given me the miracle drug, Prednisone (a.k.a. a strong steroid). Prednisone is considered an effective short-term treatment for colitis – this means, a couple of days to a few months.
Well, I have been on Prednisone for more than a year and a half. I have been on many dosages of this drug – ranging from 50 mg to 0 mg. But because of the side effects I’ve experienced with other medications, I’ve always ended having to go back on higher dosages.
Once I got on Prednisone, I felt better instantly. I could eat again! And I could eat anything I wanted and not get a stomachache. I had lost 15 lbs. in two months due to my ulcerative colitis, and I gained all of it back in two weeks. Prednisone is a powerful drug that makes you hungry all the time – you truly can eat anything and everything.
This is a picture taken during my sophomore year while I was on a high dosage of Prednisone. My cheeks were huge, but at least my friend Amy (a.k.a. my twin) was there to keep my mind off of them.
A common side effect of Prednisone is the “moon face.” Basically, you have chipmunk cheeks or the cheeks of a puffer fish. And you gain a whole lot of weight – since I have been on Prednisone I have put on about 25 lbs., and at 5-foot-2 that’s pretty noticeable.
My chubby cheeks remind me of all of the failed treatments I’ve gone through in order to get off of steroids. They remind me of the allergic reactions I had. I tried an infusion treatment, but during my fourth and fifth treatment, I couldn’t breathe and was gagging. My chubby cheeks remind me of my brief yet, extremely painful hospital stay for pancreatitis – a side effect of a medication I started after the failed infusion treatment.
My chubby cheeks remind me that I have to give myself a shot once a week. They remind me that because of my medication and illness, I don’t have as much energy as all of my friends. My chubby cheeks remind me that I’m not a typical college student who can stay up late or drink during the weekend. They remind me that because of my colitis, all of the medications I’m on, and my past experience with pancreatitis, drinking is the last thing I should be doing.
My chubby cheeks remind me of how many medications I take every day – painkillers for my headaches and migraines (a side effect of the steroids and shots), anti-depressants, high blood pressures pills (as a result of the steroids), anti-nausea medication (a result of my condition and the shot I give myself), and, of course, Prednisone.
My chubby cheeks remind me not to look in the mirror because if I do, I won’t like what I see. At certain points I have become so depressed over my appearance. During this past winter break, I didn’t want to go outside because I felt too ugly to face the world. I didn’t want people from high school to see how much weight I put on. And I didn’t want them to stare at my cheeks. When I went home for Thanksgiving break, I cried to my uncle because I didn’t want to go to our Thanksgiving dinner. I thought I looked terrible, and I was embarrassed to show my face. I didn’t want anyone – including my family – to see me like this.
My chubby cheeks are a constant reminder of my weight gain. Every part of me has gotten larger since the beginning of college. My gut is bigger than it used to be and so are my thighs. One night over winter break, I Googled Prednisone and weight gain and found a discussion board about Prednisone. The discussion board was filled with personal stories about the pain it had caused for the people it was made to help.
It was 2:30 a.m. and I was in my room hysterically crying, hugging my knees to my chest. Girls younger than me were writing about how the kids at school would make fun of them for being heavy. And young girls were writing about how they avoided looking in the mirror. And boys? Well, forget them. Boys found them ugly.
All of their stories were similar to my own. They tried several different treatments, but they would have allergic reactions to all of them and would have to go back on the steroids. It is a devastating cycle. I felt sorry for these people I didn’t even know. I felt sorry for myself. Would we ever be able to find something that works? Would we ever be able to stop taking this poison, which causes us the “moon face,” ‘roid rage, weight gain, high blood pressure, fatigue, headaches, excessive sweating, and depression?
My chubby cheeks remind me of my swollen joints, another symptom of my condition. They remind me of the pain in my wrists and knees, and how sometimes it is so bad that I tear up as I write, type, and walk.
My chubby cheeks remind me of the rude comments people have made toward my cheeks and I. An acquaintance of mine once looked at me and said, “I’m so jealous of you, I’ve always wanted to have fat cheeks.” Well, sister, you’ve gotta earn these cheeks.
My chubby cheeks remind me of the boys who have pinched them in a “let’s just be friends” way.
My chubby cheeks remind me of all of my doctors’ visits and how they usually end up with me sitting on the bathroom floor hyperventilating. My cheeks remind me that no doctor’s visit of mine goes well except for my dentist appointments.
But behind my chubby cheeks there is also love and strength.
My chubby cheeks remind me of how much my family cares about me and loves me. My mom and dad have made the nine-hour trek to and from Bloomington more times than they ever expected. From colonoscopies to hospital visits, my parents have been with me through it all. My chubby cheeks remind of much every member of my family means to me. My little sister, grandma, aunts, uncles, etc. call me and ask me how I feel. My cheeks remind me that even though my family’s curiosity can be annoying, it means they are always thinking of me.
My chubby cheeks remind me of how supportive my friends are. Some people have apps to help them out, but I have amazing friends. How will I get to my doctor’s appointment? There’s a friend for that. Who will comfort me while I cry? There’s a friend for that. My friends have visited me in the hospital, have let me cry to them (and even on them), and they have held my hands (with a tight grip) through it all.
My friends are a constant source of entertainment and keep me smiling. All that laughing helps me forget about my health problems. I guess laughter really is the best medicine.
My chubby cheeks remind me of how much I smile and laugh everyday. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have a hardy laugh from something ridiculous one of my friends has done.
My chubby cheeks remind me of the loving kisses and embraces I receive from my family and friends.
My chubby cheeks remind me of how strong I am. Through it all, I’ve stayed in school, gotten good grades, and pursued my journalism career in spite of never feeling my best.
Yes, chubby cheeks, I could have done without you. But, I wouldn’t trade the experiences and lessons I’ve learned while you have been on my face.
As my Prednisone dosage weans down (I am currently on 2.5 mg per day) my cheeks have started to deflate, but have not gone down completely. But even if they don’t deflate anymore (and there is a slim possibility they won’t) I’ve come to accept them because they are evidence of just how much strength and courage I have, and they remind me of how much I am loved.
Even if they are big, they are still mine … and I’m stuck with them for better or for worse.
Surprisingly, I wouldn’t change any aspect of my college career. Every obstacle – including my fat cheeks – has turned me into a better, stronger individual.
So go ahead, tell me I have “chubby cheeks.” I’ll take it as a compliment.