The problem with hookup culture isn’t the rampant binge-drinking, drug use or premarital sex that conservative adults usually harp on; it’s the miscommunication. The nature of hooking up is fast-paced, leaving little time to outline each other’s intentions, expectations and state of mind. This leaves participants vulnerable to situations that can range from a seemingly inconsequential awkward sexual encounter to sexual assault. Neither are wanted in a night for pleasure and can lead to something the American Psychological Association labels hookup regret. This regret typically manifests with men more likely to feel that they have used another person and women feeling used, leaving women with a larger negative impact. Participants reported a range of emotions such as feeling embarrassed or disrespected, with as many as 75% of men and women who regularly hookup admitting to having felt regret after a hookup.
Don’t get me wrong, sex is great. No strings attached sex is just a little more complicated. Around 50 to 75% of young adults participate in hookup culture according to a journal article in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, and many of those students walk away with relatively positive reactions to their hookups. Yet there is a sizable difference between the positive effect on men and women, with 82% of men and 57% of women reporting an overall positive reaction after hooking up. The study evaluated this difference as due to men’s desire for sex and women’s desire for a relationship out of these hookups. While informative, this study was slightly problematic, embedded in a gendered bias that only women want relationships, suggesting that this desire makes them inferior for wanting the impossible and being upset when that impossibility is not achieved. Granted, the definition of hooking up in that study is “a sexual encounter ranging from kissing to intercourse that occurs on one occasion and where the partners do not necessarily expect future physical encounters or a committed relationship,” outlining that a further relationship is not explicitly part of the deal. Yet according to Lisa Wade, an expert in human sexuality and author of American Hookup, “they go from a first hookup, to a ‘regular hookup,’ to…’exclusive’ — which means monogamous but not in a relationship — and then, finally, they have ‘the talk’ and form a relationship.” Hooking up is the first step to a relationship, so is it all that strange to be disappointed when a hookup doesn’t live up to that expectation, especially when many young adults are using hookups to feel connected to others and form healthy relationships.
However, with the instantaneousness of hooking up, those deeper intentions and longings are covered by the immediate desire to get off. This leaves the other’s needs overlooked unless the participants are in tune with what affirmative consent looks like (their partner verbally agreeing to all actions taking place) rather than viewing their partner as an object of their own sexual desire. The consequences of this vary from lack of orgasms, STDs or sexual assault. In hooking up it is especially important to be attentive to one’s partner to ensure a good time. However, this is practically impossible with the lack of sexual education most young adults receive. By age 25 roughly half of sexually active people will have contracted an STD according to Elite Daily. That high number is attributed to factors such as people wanting to avoid talking about STDs, not knowing where to be checked and not using condoms often enough, especially during oral sex, which is not considered “real sex” to most young adults. If young adults can barely protect themselves against STDs, how are they supposed to ensure affirmative consent in their hookups? Yet not doing so leads to the negative emotional reactions discussed earlier and in the worst case a deep trauma that never truly heals. Both of these issues are deeply important for having sex, practically prerequisites. But our society fails to see sex hooking up as more than a drunken act in a dark room instead of the deeply intimate and vulnerable action it is. In the age of social media, it is easy to forget that our actions have an impact on those around us because we can so easily hide behind a screen or in a crowd. But in an intimate setting, we cannot hide the vulnerability that is exposed to us. We have only chosen to ignore our impact on others by deflecting harmful sexual encounters onto victims rather than looking at the inherent problems within our society. So next time you hookup, think about what you truly want and the implicit commitment you are making to listen and honor the person you are with because they are trusting you with their vulnerability in that moment just as you are.