For the longest time, I would not accept what I had. People would make comments about it and I would just ignore them. But now I embrace it and I can acknowledge my condition, which helps me recognize when I’m being too much: I have a condition known as obsessive compulsive disorder.
The International OCD foundation defines this disorder as “a mental health disorder that affects people of all ages. It occurs when a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions can be unwanted, invasive thoughts, images or urges that trigger intensely upsetting feelings. Compulsions are learned actions, which become repetitive.”
Now, every person deals with their OCD differently. Which means that we all can experience different signs or symptoms. Here’s how my life with OCD is.
1. I overthink EVERYTHING!
There’s really nothing worse than dealing with your own compulsive thoughts. When I overthink, I create problems that are non-existing. The worse part of overthinking is the anxiety it causes. While other people get excited about events and look forward to participating, I systematically plan all the things that can go wrong at that event. Also, every night, I recreate all the conversations I had that day and recreate 95% of the things I said. This can be extremely exhausting and draining.
2. I need to plan everything… while color coordinating
This is one of the things I dislike the most and the symptom that my friends and family make the most fun of. I am very picky when it comes to planning. I have two agendas, one for school and one for work. I like color coordinating my daily plans and not doing this makes me anxious.
3. I push people away
This one is related to #1, when I overthink conversations I need to give myself some space from the people I had those conversations with. This is because I feel like I probably annoyed them, and they don’t need me around.
4. It’s hard for me to break routines
Life is unexpected and sometimes things don’t go as planned. That’s my worst nightmare. Since I plan everything, and things change I get anxious once again.
5. I can’t stand a messy house
I am obsessed with clean houses. Clorox is probably my best friend at home. My mom hates it, but I am always fighting when I clean and it’s dirty a few hours later. My space is always organized a certain way and I can’t go to sleep until everything is how I’m used to.
OCD is complicated and not something to joke about. But I’ve learned to make fun of myself for having it and I don’t mind when my friends say, “You and your OCD”. Because that’s who I am and as much as I want to control it, it will always come out.
But surprisingly having OCD can come in handy. Especially with the cleaning and planning obsession.