When life gives you lemons, don’t eat them and GO WORKOUT YOU FATTY.
(jk all my readers are beautiful)
Hey! No way, you guys are back! That’s pretty freaking spectacular! If I could just give you a great big bear hug through the computer I would but apparently Apple is slacking and still hasn’t invented software for that yet SOOOO no can do. And I just got back from working out at the Rec so I’m not really sure you’d want to snuggle up next to my sweaty body right now anyways, or maybe you would and I wouldn’t judge you for that. But I’ve been frequenting the Rec quite a bit since school has started because I am training for my first 5K in October (please, hold your applause). My whole family is running in the Baltimore Marathon to raise money for the charity Cure JM, which funds research for my autoimmune disease, that my mom (Patti Lawler, she’s a saint) is on the board of directors for. Knowing that my family is literally running this race for me, I figured I probably shouldn’t be strolling in as the last person to finish the entire 5k. With this in mind, I started hitting the Rec in hopes of finding my inner Usain Bolt and becoming a “runner.” Now since I have been going to the Rec, I can’t help but make daily observations on the people and things that I see. Yes, I see the hot, sweaty, sexy, meaty guys getting their work out on. And yes, I see my awkward Freshman year English teacher watching Phineas & Ferb on the elliptical but that is just scraping the surface. I have dug much deeper with my observations. See, there are many things I see at the Rec that really ruffle my feathers, and I feel the need to share with you today. Mostly because I have noticed far too many to tweet them without my followers thinking all I do is sit at the Rec all day and judge people and also, so you don’t make the mistake of doing any of these things yourself. Now I know these are just my personal opinions and the Rec should be a worry-free place for you to relax and work out in peace but whatever, this is my blog and I’m going to say them anyways.
To start out with: Boys, I know you’re just trying to get your “swole” on but please, for the love of all things Holy, try to refrain from making those terrorizing, blood-curdling faces while lifting your weights. I walk past some of these guys on the bicep machine and literally have to do a double take to see if they are just pumping iron or are in the middle of having a brain aneurysm. It honestly looks like you have just received a stab wound while sitting on the squats machine. Some guys have the “gritting-their-teeth-in-pain” look going on while other have the whole “sticking-their-tongue-out-thing” which really gives me the heebie jeebies. But my personal favorite is the “make-their-eyes-so-big-they-look-like-a-freaking-Slow-Loris” face (don’t know what a Slow Loris is? Here, let me help (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_rE27u5-95Yo/TGIYE5veWpI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/Z35ZHkxjve…). And that sigh of relief that they let out when they finally finish all their reps? Disgusting. It is borderline sexual and makes me extremely uncomfortable so please, all of you men who do it out there, stop it. Stop it right now.
Then there are those guys who wear the sweatshirt – sweatpants combo to work out in and it scares me, it really, really does. I don’t know the reason for why they do it, maybe it makes them lose more weight? But it really makes me nervous for their well-being. I feel like they are suffocating under all that terrycloth material and they always look like they are about to pass out. I don’t even run behind them on the track for this very reason, thinking they could start dropping like flies at any second and then I’m going to trip and fall over their dead, lifeless, fleece-covered bodies. So if you are going to wear this, make sure you have a full-grown beard and a red trucker hat on so you can at least look like you are impersonating the Forrest Gump running scene. But hey now, men aren’t the only gender at fault here. I’ve noticed many faults being done at the Rec by the ladies, as well. Like, I don’t know who started this sick trend for girls to need to wear makeup to go to the Rec but I’m over it. The girls who I see at the rec wearing eyeshadow?! THE ONLY WORDS I HAVE FOR THEM ARE TEARS. I don’t know if these girls realize but if they are actually there to work out, and they do end up sweating, their makeup is going to run down their face like a freaking waterfall and they are going to leave looking like Heath Ledger’s Joker character in The Dark Knight (insert cringe here).
But hey I’m not here to judge, I mean I kind of am but I have my own quirks that come out at the Rec, as well. For starters, if you are running next to me on the treadmill you best believe I’m going to be mentally racing you. And I will be damned if once the race has started, I stop running before you do. I may even glance over your way to throw some dirty looks, so if you ever take the treadmill next to me, you’ve been warned. Also, I have the tendency to embarrassingly lip-synch the song I am running to at that moment. Like, REALLY hardcore lip-synch. When a rap song comes on – there is just no stopping me. I mean in my defense, it helps distract from the cruel and unusual punishment that I find running on the track to be but Lord help us if Beyonce song comes on. In all seriousness, I’m pretty sure a girl last week stopped herself mid-run to move to a treadmill farther away from me because she felt so uncomfortable when I was lip-synching “Get Me Bodied.” But again, I’m over it.
So if you’re not a person who ever goes to the Rec than first off, I apologize that you read this entire blog without being able to relate to any of it but second, feel free to give the Rec a try and find some annoying, RECdiculous observations of your own. And if you do go to the Rec and were reading this and thought to yourself, “oh my gosh, is she talking about ME?! Does she KNOW I do that?” The answer is probably yes. Why? Because Lawler Baller knows all. BOOM.
Stay crazy my loyal followers,
Lawler Baller