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Laying Down the Law: If I was a white rapper

When life gives you lemons, rap about it.

If I asked you the question, “what is ALL the rage right now?” what would your answer be? Would you say this blog? HELL YEAH YOU WOULD. But more importantly, your second answer should be “white rappers.” This phenomenon which has recently taken the music industry by storm the past couple years is credited by many to Eminem (NOT spelled M&M, as I thought for a good five years of my life). But personally, I like to give credit where credit is due, and I blame this phenomenon on the white man who perfected the art of rhyming, Raffi (you can check out one of his biggest hits here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbNlPWtjkA4). Anywho, now days if you are a young, white male who owns a snap back, noodie and a pair of oddly colored Nikes and has the intelligence to rhyme “models” and “bottles” than you, my friend, have a successful career waiting ahead of you. Fear you lack the “flow” or “swagger” necessary to lay some rhymes down on a rap track? Note that Justin Beiber has been the most recent one to try his hand at this whole “white rapper” thing, so I’m sure you’re fine. Knowing this, I threw my dignity out the window and for the sake of doing research for this blog, I decided to give this whole rapping thing a try. I may not be a male but I am white (except for when I dance), I do own a snapback (it’s my brothers) and my 1st grade teacher, Ms. Ramras, said I have EXCELLENT rhyming skills so I figured I was set. But even with that, since I believe heavily in woman’s rights and have never ordered “bottles at the club”, I knew the odds would not be ever in my favor, but decided to forge ahead anyways.

So I sat down and began braining storming some rap lyrics, figuring I should start with topics I am passionate about. After a good 10 minutes and having nothing to rhyme with “queso”, frustration set in. Then it occurred to me, “Excuse me Beyonce (that’s what I call myself), how do you think you’re gonna start spitting verses before you even give yourself a RAP NAME?!” Silly me, I forgot the most important part of becoming a rapper, giving myself a whole new rapper identity! So I reviewed the options, I could use the obvious and uncreative “Lawler Baller” or I could go to myRapName.com and create an even better one on there. So I did just that, and thus “Rappa Meg L Hoody Soul” has been born. I have absolutely no idea what it means and it rolls off the tongue just as much as saying “rural juror” does, but I like it. Now that I have my rap name in place, it was back to the drawing boards for my lyrics and first song. Writing lyrics was a bust, I got as far as “I love Greek Yogurt so much, you could say I was from Athens/I eat it sitting on the couch, chillin’ in my Grandmothers afghan” until I found myself in fetal position on my bed crying from failure. So I figured I could just pay off the kid who sits next to me in my Theatre class who wears the Dr. Dre Beats headphones and doodles pictures of guns because he looks like he would know what to do when it comes to writing a rap song.

With my name and song in place, it was time to take care of the wardrobe. I started Googling pictures of my favorite white rappers such as Mackelmore, Starting Six, The Good Husbands, and Sammy Adams, to get a sense of what fresh, young artists wear now days. After doing so, I realized my closet was extremely ill-prepared when it comes to rappers style. Now if these white rappers wore leopard print scarves and sequined tunics than my closet would be looking HELLA FRESH…but they don’t. But I knew a quick stop at the local GoodWill to pick up some old sweatshirts with ironic sayings on them and a Bulls snapbacks straight from the 90’s would help me seal the deal.

After all this hard work and effort put into turning myself into the next great Mac Miller, I finally felt like a finished product. And it occurred to me as I was leaving the internship fair this past afternoon, this could be my future. Do rappers have to go smile for two hours straight, handing out their resumes to future employers at an internship fair?! I DON’T THINK SO. They live the life! Mac Miller raps about how he makes millions and what he does everyday and literally says, “aye cream cheese and a bagel / have a glass of milk and a Eggo / I’m rockin’ PJs and no shirt / I smoke weed eat yogurt”. THAT’S WHAT HIS DAYS CONSISTS OF? Why have I not tried my hand at this rap thing sooner? Sure I don’t smoke, strippers scare me, and I’ve never even tasted Grey Goose but hey, I could learn to live that lifestyle. So until Jay-Z hears my first single or Russell Simmons signs me to Island Def Jam Record, I’ll just be stuck here in my PJ’s eating my own Walmart brand waffles.

Stay crazy my loyal followers,

Rappa Meg L Hoody Soul

P.S. I photoshopped that picture myself on Paint….jealous?

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Megan Lawler

Illinois State

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