I knew that where I was my freshman year was not where I felt I was supposed to be. I had a feeling, a gut instinct, an intuition. I understood pretty shortly that that college was going to be the best four years of someone else’s life but not mine. I felt so guilty for feeling that way not only because everyone else was having a great time while I wasn’t but I chose this college and if I did, then that means it has to work. If I chose it, I would have no other option than to be there and enjoy it. No matter how many days it took, I had to convince myself or make myself believe that it was the school for me. There were so many nights where I hoped I would feel different in the morning, and so many mornings where I hoped things would change by night. But it never happened. After countless moments of panic and worry, I told my parents that I wasn’t happy. I told them that I wasn’t enjoying it and that I felt like I kept trying to force a feeling that couldn’t be forced. I felt ashamed that I chose a school that I so quickly disliked and I was embarrassed that others knew I wanted to leave, and that I felt I didn’t belong.
I wanted to have a perfect first year of college, I wanted to absolutely love the school I was at right away because I saw everyone’s else’s journey happen that way. It took leaving the college and transferring to the right one in order for me to understand why my freshman year happened the way it did. My desire to go somewhere else, my intuition and my dislike for the school were not signs that I was lost or unsure but that my path was being redirected. Now, after three years at HC and an upcoming graduate of the college, I look back and understand so much more. I understand now what I couldn’t then and I see now what I couldn’t before: That everything happens for a reason. It’s not that I’m happy that I disliked the school but more so that my path was redirected and set on the right track. If I hadn’t had the gut instinct that I wasn’t meant to be there, I wouldn’t be at the right college now. If I kept pretending that I was having a good time, then I would have never made the right decision to leave.
There are things that you will experience in life that will make you question things. That will make you question yourself, who you are, what you’re doing with your life, why you are doing what you’re doing, why you dislike where you’re at now. There will be times you doubt yourself, your intuition, your gut instinct. Times where you don’t understand why things are happening the way that they are or why your life is going the way that it is. But, I’m here to tell you to stop worrying. I know it’s scary but trust that all things will work out in the end. Have faith that if things aren’t seeming to work out now, later on you’ll see why. You will always find out in the end why you experienced times in your life the way that you did.
Think about it yourself and reflect: Think about a time where you felt confused, lost, and unsure. For instance, maybe you didn’t get the internship that you wanted? But you ended up getting a different one that you loved. Maybe that boy didn’t like you back like you wanted? But a few months later, you found your person. Maybe that school didn’t work out like you wanted it to? But you transferred, and made some of your now best friends. My point is, that in the moment when things are hard and life is difficult, it’s hard to believe that the difficulties will pass. It’s hard to believe that things will get better. It’s much easier to assume that something will ruin your life, or that that specific difficulty will stay with you forever. But I promise you that they won’t. Those times of difficulties that you had, those moments of doubt, of frustration, of anger, of stress–you finally see now why you went through what you did.
I’ve always hated that saying “everything happens for a reason” but reflecting on not only my freshman year but a lot of my life experiences, I believe it to be extremely true. If a place isn’t meant for you, you are being redirected toward a place that is. Similarly, if a person isn’t meant for you, you are being redirected toward a person that is.
In high school, I had so many moments of doubt wondering why I was the only one in my entire friend group that couldn’t get or even keep a relationship. Why I was the only one that wasn’t lovable in the eyes of a boy. Why all the boys that I was interested in were not interested in me for the right reasons. During those four years, I felt left out, like I was not only undeserving of love but undeserving of someone good. I wish I had seen clearly then why those relationships I had didn’t work out or why I had to cry over those boys. Other than the fact that we were young, stupid and not fully understanding of what it meant to really love and care for someone, I now know that I went through four years of crying over boys for a reason. When I was in those moments, I didn’t feel like I would ever find that reason. But I had to go through them in order to find the right person. Now that I have found the right one, and we’ve been together for almost four years, I finally understand the reason why I went through what I did. Being where I am and in the relationship that I’m in, I’m almost grateful for those long hours of crying because if they hadn’t happened, I’m not sure if I’d be as happy as I am now. Rather than feeling like I was undeserving of love, or someone good, I wish I had known that it’s different for everyone and that my time would come when it was meant to.
I have written this piece to remind you that everything happens for a reason and that things will happen when they are meant to. My freshman year of college, I tried to force a feeling onto myself that couldn’t be forced. I want to remind you that everybody’s time comes at a different one, and that there are things in life that will happen sooner for people and later for others. But, things always happen when they are meant to. So put trust in yourself like I did when I knew I wasn’t at the right college and put trust in time like I failed to do when I was crying over boys in high school. Things will find you, and you will find them but at the right moment. Don’t rush things, and don’t force anything. If it’s meant to be, it will.