1. To the hungry:
Ron: When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
2. To the sensitive:
Ron: Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.
3. To sore losers:
Ron: I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win, and when I don’t, I get furious.
4. To all party goers:
Ron: If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.
5. To cat lovers:
Ron: Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier, and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.
6. To those who eat breakfast all wrong:
Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was: ‘Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.’ Do you understand?
7. To all meat virgins:
Ron: These people are meat virgins. They’ll have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly been shown the ways of flavorful meat love. Mmmm…the first time is so beautiful.
8. To the overwhelmed:
Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
9. To those who celebrate birthdays:
Ron: Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
10. To cowards and weak-willed men:
Ron: Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts!
11. To the enthusiastic:
Ron: I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.
12. To those who are technologically challenged:
Ron: Tom put all my records into this rectangle.
Ron: The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle.
13. And finally, to those who get too chummy:
Ron: When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
Keep Calm and Swanson On.