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The 13 Best Ron Swanson Quotes Of All Time

1. To the hungry:

Ron: When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

2. To the sensitive:

Ron: Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

3. To sore losers:

Ron: I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win, and when I don’t, I get furious.

4. To all party goers:  

Ron: If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

5. To cat lovers:

Ron: Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier, and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. 

6. To those who eat breakfast all wrong:

Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was: ‘Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.’ Do you understand?

7. To all meat virgins:

Ron: These people are meat virgins. They’ll have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly been shown the ways of flavorful meat love. Mmmm…the first time is so beautiful. 

8. To the overwhelmed:

Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

9. To those who celebrate birthdays:

Ron: Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

10. To cowards and weak-willed men:

Ann: Allerigies?

Ron: Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts!  

11. To the enthusiastic:

Ron: I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm. 

12. To those who are technologically challenged:

Ron: Tom put all my records into this rectangle.

Ron: The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle.

13. And finally, to those who get too chummy:

Ron: When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

Keep Calm and Swanson On.


Mollie McKinley is currently a rising junior at High Point University in High Point, North Carolina, where she studies English Literature with a double minor in communications and women and gender studies. Mollie is a proud sister of Alpha Gamma Delta, a High Point University swimmer, and serves as a campus correspondent for High Point's chapter of Her Campus. She works as a Writing Tutor for HPU's Writing Center, and has a love for dogs, creative writing, poetry, netflix and music. Mollie's biggest aspiration is to work as a humor writer for Buzzfeed, or for any online media, really. Mollie is a strong supporter of gender equality and loving yourself, although it can be hard a majority of the time. Mollie is originially from West Virginia with an endless passion for the outdoors, and really awesome hikes.   
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