Sex is everywhere. Movies, music and advertisements are full of sex. The conversation surrounding sex is more open than before, but not everyone is interested in it. Approximately 1-5% of the world’s population are asexuals.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation that is not widely discussed. Asexuality means that a person feels little or no sexual attraction to other people.
Merkku Sovijärvi is a 33-year-old aromantic asexual. She was 26 years old when she first heard the term asexuality.
“I had noticed that my friends were more interested in sex than I was. But I just thought that it was me and that my interest would rise when I have a partner.”
But when Sovijärvi did not find herself interested in sex even in a relationship, she ended things with her partner. It was only after the breakup that she heard about asexuality. She was doing an internet test about sexual orientation, just for fun, and the test result was asexual. Sovijärvi started to look more into it online and that same night it hit her.
“It felt great! I realized I had tried to fit into a box that didn’t suit me. Then I found a better box and that was cool”, Sovijärvi describes.
Later on, Sovijärvi wondered if she would have realized her asexuality sooner if the topic had been discussed somewhere. That is why she is now speaking about it, so other people who are wondering about their sexuality can know about asexuality at a younger age. Sovijärvi has met young people who have heard about asexuality at school. Raising awareness is important to her.
“For example, when talking about the topic with someone, it’s important for them to know about it to avoid reactions like “what is it” or “there’s no such thing.””
For several years now asexuals have participated in Pride. Sovijärvi says they have received a warm welcome. The first year, there were six participants, last year over forty.
Something wrong with hormones
It is a common misbelief that asexuality is caused by a hormonal defect. Some have suggested to Sovijärvi that she should go see a doctor and have them checked her hormones. She did not follow the suggestion.
“It’s not a problem for me, so I don’t feel like it’s necessary to look into it”, Sovijärvi says.
Asexuality has not been widely researched, compared to homo- or bisexuality. But at least for now, there is no scientific evidence that indicates hormones to have anything to do with asexuality.
Sovijärvi is also aromantic. That means she does not get romantic feelings to other people. Asexuality, however, does not automatically mean a person does not want a relationship.
Another common misbelief about asexuality has to do with feelings of love and affection.
“I get that a lot, people asking if there’s something wrong with my emotions. As if we were some cold robots that don’t feel any affection.”
Asexuals and aromantic people feel affection and feel close to friends and family.
“Parents love their children, and there’s nothing romantic or sexual about that”, Sovijärvi says.
Sovijärvi says that for many people it is harder to understand how it is to be aromantic than being asexual. She believes it is because usually romantic orientation and sexuality go hand in hand in the same direction, and there is no need to define your romantic orientation.
“For us, they don’t always go hand in hand, and that’s why they need to be defined separately. On the other hand, there are biromantic homosexuals. So other people can also be romantically attracted to different people than sexually. There are also aromantic heterosexuals. Not everyone wants a relationship, even though they have sex.”
Sex is everywhere
Sovijärvi believes that pressure from culture and society is affecting people. When she was younger, she wondered why she could not find anyone or was not good enough for anyone.
“Later I have wondered if it was because I wanted a relationship or because society is sending a message that you can’t be a full person or happy if you don’t have a partner.”
Sex and sexuality are highly visible in advertisements and pop culture. Sovijärvi thinks it is monotonic and boring.
“As far as I know, it’s common to feel uncomfortable when there’s a sex scene in a movie. So why does it happen so much if it causes discomfort to others as well, not just asexuals.”