[Greg] I’m not a relationship expert, nor am I a qualified writer. I study computer science and didn’t get my braces off ‘til senior year of highschool. I’ve guided four serious relationships down in flames and have proved the combustibility of my casual relationships too. This is why I’m thrilled by the opportunity to give you, the readers of Her Campus, relationship advice. I will be your fire marshal as we walk single file out of the burning house that is our love life. Whatever your problem might be, you’ll have my unqualified, unsolicited advice to see you through.
[Tomas] Nice to meet you! My name is Tomas. I’m a junior at the college, and when I’m not doing problem sets on the second floor of Widener library, I’m saving puppies and playing catch with the local neighborhood kids. I spend my summers researching cures for cancer, though last summer NASA needed me to spend some time on the international space station.
In all seriousness, almost none of that’s true. No one’s perfect, and if they seem it and have a made up sounding name, like Tomas -- they’re probably lying to you. I’m just a junior at the college likely going through the same things you all are, and I’m definitely no more qualified to write this column than you. Despite that, like Greg said, whatever your problem might be, you’ll have my unqualified, unsolicited advice to see you through.
[Greg] That special someone doesn’t know you exist? We have a solution. They’ve realized you exist? We’ll help you there too. They’ve definitely declared their confidence in your existence by asking you out, but no longer act like you exist? Crack open a bottle of wine and give us a call because we’re all in this together now.
This week’s question: How do you know that someone is right for you?
This week’s answer: Hell yes, no less.
You like them. They like you. Things are going great and you’ve never got more use out of your Netflix subscription. Then you start noticing a change. They’re talking about vulnerable topics, your cuddle sessions are lasting longer, and they’re going out of their way to introduce you to their close friends. Jesus Christ, they want to date. Do you?
[Greg] They’re great and all, but so are lots of people you know. They check all the critical boxes: above average height, single, likes you, etc. Who knows what are the chances you find someone better? You could wait for a better opportunity (while telling your friends you’re just focusing on yourself), but damn it you’re lonely and they’re willing!
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. An unenthusiastic yes is better known as settling - never settle. Snap out of it and consider the following questions.
- Why would they ever settle for someone who wasn’t thrilled to be dating them?
- Why would you treat someone you might date with anything less than complete commitment?
- Why would you date someone who would put up with anything less than complete commitment?
If you’re busy asking if someone is right for you, you’re in no place to make a commitment. Instead, you have two options.
If time is not an issue, continue learning more information about the situation with the hopes that your feelings develop into a Hell Yes. Don’t do this for too long though. Eventually you need to move to option 2 - before they do so first.
Say “no” and move on. Show respect for the other person and stop limiting yourself to a second best relationship. Given time, you’ll find the Hell Yes relationship you deserve.
[Tomas] Greg’s a perfectionist. I once saw him decide he wanted to eat better, and proceeded to only eat kale, chicken breast, and protein shakes for the next week. That happened. Every meal: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. True story.
The best advice I’ve ever heard on this is: don’t think about whether you could see yourselves happy after being together for six months, think about whether you could see yourselves happy after one date. Take it one day at a time. So many of us get bogged down thinking about whether it’s ‘perfect’, or they’re ‘the one’. Don’t worry about that, because you won’t realize whether they were perfect until you get the chance to know them.
The best kind of relationships are one where your partner feels like a close friend, and I really hope that you did not meet your best friend after seriously evaluating whether they would be the perfect best friend. They probably became your best friend through some combination of luck and you giving them a chance. People aren’t perfect and life rarely goes as planned, and that’s ok.
Like my view on dating, we’re going to take this column one week at a time. Have a burning question that you want us to answer? Email firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject “For Greg & Tomas”!