Everyone should have a set of expectations, right? Sure. Unfortunately, the reality is when our expectations are not fulfilled, we are bound to experience the feeling of disappointment.
I want to let you know that I have been disappointed on a plethora of occasions; this disappointment stemming from my dependency on other people to fulfill my hopes and needs, of course.
Over the past few years, especially the year 2021, I have subconsciously mastered the idea of setting realistic and unrealistic expectations of other people. In every way, I have the right to expect more of myself, but of other people? Hilarious.
While I laugh now, nevertheless, I continued to struggle with this battle routinely. I had an abundance of reasons why people not only should fulfill my expectations but also why my expectations are reasonable and valid.
While being so expecting of others, I welcomed resentment into my relationships.
It started when I began questioning whether or not my immediate circle of friends were the friends for me. I found myself analyzing the overall friendship. I found anything that could have possibly gone wrong. My friends did not fulfill my needs when I was expecting them to.
These questions lingered: Why did she not check up on me when I was off the grid for some time? Why was she not understanding my current emotional state? Why did she not do what any person of even the slightest decency would do in the situation?
It did not end there.
My boyfriend and I are long-distance due to our attending different colleges. We began adjusting to this new predicament starting in late August of 2021. Remember, this is a transition for both of us. Instead of being more patient, I set expectations that I wanted him to meet soon enough. At the time, I did not verbalize my expectations of him. Still, that did not stop them from ringing a bell in my head.
I thought that it was fair to expect more from him considering how much I had been contributing to the relationship over time. There I would go again, expecting.
It was not that he was failing me as a significant other. He was learning how to maintain our relationship in a setting. Meanwhile, I was living in a fantasy world because I wanted him to cater to our relationship in ways that I had seen in various movies. Unrealistic.
Inevitably, a storm of pain would come over me due to my dissatisfaction with my friends and significant others.
I needed someone to talk to about what I was feeling. I did not want to share my feelings with my friends or boyfriend because I started to resent them, slightly.
Instead, I called the person who I trusted in most, my mother.
After listening to me talk about what I thought I was experiencing, my mom began explaining that I am the root of my current problem because I have allowed temporary thoughts to overpower the reality of my relationships.
She went on to say that I could not create expectations of other people because the only one that would get hurt in the end would be me.
I did not want to hear this from her, so I challenged what she was saying to me, despite the fact that it all made perfect sense.
The best way for her to get this message across to me in hopes that I would comprehend was by sharing a word therapy series, “Healing from the Hurt,” created and presented by Pastor Patrick Daymond. On a Wednesday night, I watched part five of the sermon series. This message is titled, “Plot Twist.”
I related to every sermonic point that Rev. Patrick emphasized.
“You cannot build an expectation of other people based on what you would do.”
“What you expect has everything to do with how things turn out.”
“Disappointment only happens if there is an appointment.”
What resonated with me most is Rev. Patrick posing the question: “Who are you in the story?” Following his question, he told his audience to revisit the hurt.
To answer this question, I was not the victim. I was the cause of my distress. In my story, I had complicated my relationships because I cast a role on other people. I had no business assigning roles at all.
Before the sermon, my expectations were set in stone. If I did not verbally express what they were, they were always in the back of my mind. The burden of them remained present. On top of the expectations being burdensome, they began to hinder the success of my relationships.
It was time that I heal from my hurt.
Today, I have come to accept and understand that my relationships serve different purposes in my life. The responsibilities of the relationships vary as well. Today, I recognize that the friends I expected much from were not in my life to necessarily be what I was to them. That is totally okay.
Granted the opportunity to reflect, I have decided that I am committing to walking into any space with zero expectation. No longer will I hinder the success of my relationships. Alternatively, I will embrace the positives and acknowledge how I have benefitted from other parties through camaraderie.
SN: to my friends reading this, I love you and look forward to my contribution to the betterment of our relationships.