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Sex + Relationships

Don’t Get in Your Feelings: How to Explore The Curiosity Behind FWB

Being a young woman in today’s society, I am used to the hypersexualization of black women and the double standard that plagues those of us who are sexually liberated. I’m in college, so let’s be real, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to be sexually active, some of which I have taken advantage of and some I have not. Many women are over the dating scene and would much rather play Girl’s Need Love on shuffle than get into another emotionally draining relationship. Quite frankly, I don’t blame them. Sometimes women want to have their needs met without being committed to someone. Is that too much to ask for? In the words of Summer Walker, Girl’s Need Love Too. 

Sex is sex, but there is a difference between having casual sex with the same person (friends with benefits) and having casual sex with strangers (hook ups). For the purposes of this article, I’m going to speak from experience of having a FWB. Now, let’s remember that having casual sex does imply the absence of intimacy, committment and emotional feelings. So brace yourself ladies, this isn’t for everyone.

Let’s be real, sex is fun. It can boost your confidence and give you the feeling that your lady parts are hypnotizing (which they are, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!) The bottom line is that if you are having safe and protected sex there is no need to feel shameful or embarrassed. You are owning the right to engage in sexual relations at your own consent. Women have needs and we want our needs met, the same way that men do. 

If you’re not sure what all FWB could entail, I’m sorry, but there is not one exact answer. Usually, you are distant friends who have some sort of sexual attraction to one another. You’re interested in getting together and so it happens, again and again. Sometimes the most unexpected things will happen, leaving you feeling confused, but on the other hand, everything could go as expected. Either way, the night will move on and your “friend” will leave, simply because you two have a mutual agreement and it isn’t their place to stay any longer. This could be hard for some, but if you’re anything like me, you know how to keep your emotions at bay in situations like this. Use this time to reflect on what you liked and what you didn’t. Tell your partner how the sex can improve. Eat a meal, you most likely worked up an appetite. Take a shower or bath and relax. Dwell in your talent. If it doesn’t go as expected, laugh the situation off and move on. There’s no perfect way to be in a FWB, but your chemistry with the other person will determine how the night carries out. 

Ensure your safety by using protection and getting tested regularly. Set boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not. Don’t get your hopes up by expecting anything more than what you are both seeking. But, if the sex does spark a flame, well then that’s a conversation for a different time. 

 

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