all good in the beginning
If there is something I could wish upon on a star, it would be to have the ability to move on from what could’ve been. Something I feel like isn’t taken seriously enough is the continuous struggle of having to move on from that significant other. Having some of the highest highs and the lowest lows. From wanting to be in their skin to wanting nothing to do with them. It is a mental, physical and emotional battle that only you can fight yourself. Stopping yourself from picking up the phone to call them one last time telling them “i miss you, baby”. Flinching every time you think you see their car. Or even dreading the day of your first date and remembering the amazing time you had with all the potential.
Loving someone isn’t easy. And it doesn’t make it any easier when you love them so much that it hurts. Moving on can look like wanting to spend two more minutes just hugging in silence knowing that it might be the last for who knows how long. Going over every little decison you made, questioning if you made the wrong choice. Or in my case, creating fake senerios in my head of what I would say to him if he magically thought about me one day and decided to call. These are all valid feelings that we create to cope with idea that the person that we thought was so special, wasn’t the one God wanted us to be with. Call it a test or the cosmos playing games with our emotions, but somewhere in that timeline of a relationship, there was true feelings. The feeling that you might’ve just met the person you’re suppose to be with for the rest of your life and it vanished in an instant.
Knowing somebody that you’ve had such a close and intimate relationship feels like your head is constantly in the clouds and feels like it is never come down. Being in that honeymoon phase is no joke. Seeing no flaws in that one person and all the good and love they can offer. Sometimes I wish that phase never ended…always wanting to be at the peak of something good and never wanting it end. Yet still those moments do hold some weight in moving on knowing that time was unique and only shared between the two of you. But like I said, this is about what could’ve been…
One Hit Wonder…
I know it may seem like an unrealistic idea but do other people believe in “finding the one” after a first date. Call it the dopamine in my system convincing myself that I am falling for this kid after just a few dates, but sometimes it really feels real. Especially when you feel like honeymoon phase lasting months, and it feels like you guys have been together for years. It really makes you feel like “I am officaly out of the dating scene, I am done looking because this is my person”. But it’s not always like that, you have to take the rose-colored glasses off (or someone takes them off for you) and see how things really are.
Although everything seems perfect, there can always be those small side comments that make you take a double-take and question “did he really just say that?” From there you begin to see the person in front of you change from that perfect knight in shining armor figure to just another human. A person with the flaws, thoughts, feelings, and opinions and not just the idea of a person that you were building in your head. Some of the hardest realizations to come to; but still something you have to face at some point in the relationship.
What I consider a “one hit wonder” for a relationship is that person whose energy is so intoxicating that you go on this high of being so blinded by the negatives that you only focus on the positives; until you end up hurt because things didn’t end up how you planned. It’s normal to have multiple one-hit wonders, even feels a little depressing when you have them back-to-back. But they are called a “wonder” for a reason. The passion between you guys was all very real, yet still it was only temporary. So better to leave it as it was, rather than try to recreate it over and over, trying to recreate that feeling.
Where do I go From here?
It’s honestly very weird to think about how the person you use to talk to everyday became someone you may hit up once now. And has gone so far as to you don’t even remember the good memories anymore. But it the type of growing pains that may be necessary in your journey to move on to a bigger and brighter future. Feeling almost guilty that you’re happy and smiling when all you wanted to do was remember those special moments together. Whether it has been two months or two years since you last spoke, there may always be that quick flash of a memory to when you felt happiest with them. Singing in the car late at night, cuddling while watching “your movie”, or thinking bout that inside joke that still makes you smile.
These are all feelings that we have felt and may continue to feel with multiple “could’ve been” relationships. But personally instead of crying over the pain I felt in that moment feeling almost frozen in past, I choose to honor the relationship out of respect. Knowing that the man I was falling for truly did make me feel something I have never felt before. But along with that happiness from my past, I learned that maybe he was good for me for that brief period in my life when I needed him. I shouldn’t feel guilty for moving on and wanting better for myself.
Although I may be battling the daily internal battle of deciding to whether or not to blow up his phone just to yell at him, I have started to find peace within myself of creating those healthy boundaries. I don’t regret being with him, I honestly don’t even hate him, but rather would want to thank him because without him I wouldn’t be the flourishing young woman I am becoming.