“This book is dedicated to all men and women, because boyfriends may come and go, but best friends are forever,” reads the sweet dedication to Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman’s 1997 book, Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man. I couldn’t help but think there was some truth in this as I flipped through the book. Tips, which covers topics like “Dos and Don’ts” and “How To Get What You Want,” has long been educating straight women everywhere in the arts of seduction. When I spotted it, I was in Kramer’s bookstore with a friend waiting to be seated for dinner. This friend – one of my best friends, in fact – also happens to be gay, so we got quite a kick out of paging through the book.
But the more we talked about it, the more we started to think: sex advice is great, but what about love advice? There would seem to be a market for that as well, what with nearly every rom-com nowadays portraying a female lead complete with a sassy gay friend. And while it goes without saying that the ability to give good advice has no correlation with sexuality, this particular friend of mine – we’ll call him R to protect his privacy – happens to have a fantastic, brutally honest attitude towards giving relationship advice. Inspired, I asked him to bring his tell-it-like-it-is tips to all the curious collegiettes out there, and he has graciously agreed. So enjoy his commentary on some of the most common dating dilemmas out there (and yes, he also has plenty of hot sex tips if anyone is interested).
On meeting cute, straight, nice guys at GW…
R: I don’t want to generalize, but I feel like the “culture” here is that if you’re a straight guy you can get whatever you want. It just seems like there’s a large stereotype – not even completely true – that a lot of guys here are gay. There’s this misconception that there’s a large pool of straight girls and a small pool of straight guys. So I feel like when girls meet a straight guy, it’s like, “Oh, you beat the system.” And then they lose sight of respecting themselves, and they settle. Obviously, GW has a really pervasive hookup culture. There are a lot of weekend hookups and much less commitment. But it’s important to stay true to what you want, and what you’re looking for. If you want a relationship – if you want it to last longer than a weekend – don’t rush into sex. Leave him with something to come back for.
On making the leap from hooking up to being in a relationship…
R: First of all, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. If you’re okay with what’s happening – like, if you’re just hooking up – then that’s totally fine. But if you want more than that, you need to let your hookup know. Maybe you’ll lose him, but you’ll be better off in the future. You don’t want to stay with someone who’s just using you to hookup if that isn’t what you want. And that’s a hard thing to do: to be able to admit that you want more, and then to walk away if he can’t give you that. It’s not always easy to see when it’s happening, but looking back, you’ll know you made the right choice.
On the perfect outfit for a first date…
R: Something cute and classy, but a little bit sexy, too. For a spring dinner date, maybe a bright tank top – or just a cute shirt with a pop of color – with white capris and a jean jacket. For shoes, casual flip-flops, or wedges to be a little more formal. I always help a friend of mine pick out outfits, and that’s my favorite look to dress her in.
On drunk texting and booty calls…
R: Well, apparently I know nothing about whether or not drunk texting is a good idea, because I just do it anyway. But I do think a lot depends on who you’re texting. If you find your drunk self suddenly dying to text your crush, you may want to channel that energy into texting a friend instead. I definitely think a lot of damaged can be caused by drunk texting – there are some messages you just can’t take back.
As for booty calls – don’t be fooled into thinking they’ll always be alcohol-related and after midnight. I’ve seen people be booty called at two o’clock in the afternoon, stone-cold sober. It depends on the nature of your relationship with whoever is texting you, and the kind of person that you are. I guess in general, answer booty calls if you want to. But unless it’s coming from someone you’re already dating, don’t expect anything to come of it.
On moving on after a breakup…
R: Dwelling on whatever happened isn’t good for you – so I like to be straightforward about these things. A good example: I was at a Christmas party this past year and…there was some wine. I ended up drunkenly shouting at my friend to move on from her current relationship – was it kind of harsh? Maybe. But did she listen? Yeah. I think it helped put things in perspective for her. It’s easier said than done, but here’s my advice on moving on: the faster you can, the sooner you’ll be happy.
In closing…
R: You can’t be afraid to go after what you want. You can do nothing and sit and wonder and be unhappy, or you can be honest in your relationships and progress to something better. It’s a gamble. In any relationship, your feelings may change. But what you need to worry about is how you feel in the moment. Beyond that, things have a way of working themselves out for the best.
In conclusion, I guess, the dedication at the opening of Anderson and Berman’s book isn’t wrong. Everyone needs a good friend they can count on to give them honest – even brutally honest – advice. R has been giving me relationship guidance for years now, but I’ll never forget the best advice he’s ever given me: Nobody is perfect, especially when dealing with love. It’s okay to make mistakes in relationships – what really matters is that you learn from them.