Last week, I concluded my article with a metaphor about “igniting a flame.” Although the flame I was referring to was the “passionate spark” that exists between two people who are romantically involved; it seems that my article fueled an entirely different type of fire – and instead, I ignited the flame of controversy.
Well, I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who took the time to fire back at me, because you ended up sparking an idea for this week’s post: how to handle controversy in your relationship.
When it comes to conflict, we all rely on various methods of dealing with it in our relationships. Of course, we like to pretend that that we are angelic creatures, who approach an issue head on and solve it by eloquently verbalizing our feelings. But unless your name is Dr. Phil, or you live a double life as an undercover marriage counselor, it’s safe to say that we all have our Jerry Springer moments from time to time. Yet, our lives don’t have security guards to separate us when we’ve gone too far, or stop us before we make a comment that hits our partner below the belt. Sometimes such malicious words have the power to destroy a relationship; and even though they were only said in the heat of the moment, they leave a mark that’s engrained in your partner’s memory forever.
So, what’s the proper way to deal with controversy in your relationship? How can you get through a serious argument without it escalating into a breakup? I’m going to start by giving you two scenarios, and you can decide which one is healthier:
- I have one friend who technologically “cuts off” her boyfriend every time they get into a fight. (AKA, she de-friends him on Facebook and removes his number from her phone). She then ignores his calls for an hour telling me, “it’s over, I’m done, I never want to speak to him again!” But the second he stops trying to reconcile, she realizes that she misses him and within minutes “_______ and ________ are in a relationship” on my news feed once again.
- Meanwhile, I have another friend who handles tension with her boyfriend by acting in the exact opposite manner. She’s passive aggressive and continues to hang out and talk to him, but she’ll alter her tone and act standoffish until he guesses what he has done to upset her. This results in a never ending game of 21 questions, and not only does this method bewilder her boyfriend; but it ends up confusing her to the point where she can’t remember why she was truly mad at him in the first place.
So which one has the smarter approach to dealing with controversy?
If you guessed neither, YOU ARE CORRECT! If you are passive aggressive, your boyfriend will not understand what he did wrong and won’t be able to prevent it in the future. If you’re overly aggressive, your boyfriend will eventually hit his breaking point and he’ll stop re-accepting your friend request. The goal is to find a happy medium, somewhere in between the two extremes.
I hate to sound like your cliché kindergarten teacher, but strong communication really is the key to a happy relationship. The majority of the time, conflicts arise because of miscommunications, or one’s words get twisted and then misconstrued. (Especially in today’s world where so many of our conversations occur using computer mediated communication; the likelihood that your partner will misinterpret your message is even higher). If you are unclear when you are communicating about your issues with one another, your controversy will be all the more confusing.
To prevent these kinds of misunderstandings and solve your conflict most efficiently, you should try the following:
- Wait until your initial anger wears off before you discuss the conflict with your partner. The calmer you are, the better you will be at accurately conveying your message.
- Be as direct and coherent as possible when explaining your feelings. (Avoid saying things like, “Ugh, I just don’t know! It’s hard to explain…I just hate you right now!”) Tell your partner what they have done, how it has made you feel, and what they can do to prevent it happening in the future; Keep it simple and to the point.
- Don’t automatically accuse your partner of doing something wrong. Instead, tell them how their actions made you feel.
- Avoid having this conversation after a night of partying. Not only will you be less in control of what you say, (and less able to remember it), but you will also take the seriousness out of the situation. Timing and atmosphere are crucial; confrontations should only occur under the right circumstances, in the appropriate environment.
- Do not have this conversation via texting, BBM-ing, Facebook chatting, email, or any other computerized mean of communication. Face-to-face interaction, (or even voice-to-voice) are the best ways to accurately reflect your emotions, without miscommunications getting in the way.
So that concludes our conflict-management session for today! Unfortunately, controversy is inevitable even in the happiest/healthiest of relationships; but if you learn how to deal with it appropriately, you will end up with a relationship that’s even stronger than the one you started with. Don’t let conflict be the force that drives you apart, let it be the strength that draws you closer together. And remember: if the fighting really gets heated between the two of you, there’s always Jerry Springer.