Long distance relationships are stressful enough without trying to fit in months apart into one long weekend you have together. If you are anything like me, you probably have the perfect weekend planned in your head, and have been looking forward to this moment. Well, unfortunately our plans don’t always work out, or we don’t have as much time as we expected. Setting expectations too high can have damaging effects on your relationship, here are some tricks i’ve learned to make sure you can do everything you want in a short amount of time, so you can go back to college knowing you had a great time with your bae.
Make a list of everything that you want to do (Realistically)
1. Make a reasonable list of things you want to do where you are/ where you are going
If you are going home, you are going to want to spend time with your family and friends, not just your partner. It’s important to write down all the things you want to do, so that you can manage your time accordingly. This can include alone time, or something that always feels like home or vacation for you. Maybe it’s going to a party with your partner, or going on an adventure, brainstorm what your perfect break looks like. Within reason is important, as the goal of this exercise is to create reasonable expectations for yourself, so that you do not feel let down.
Focus on quality time
2. Make a second list of things you want to do with your partner alone, so you know for sure you aren’t only in group settings.
If quality time is your love language, this list is definitely for you. After being apart for sometime, alone time together is important. Without it, you might return to college feeling like you didn’t see enough of each other. Group settings are great, and its fun to mix with friends, but I always make sure to have at least one date night. Think about what date night means to you; binge watching shows with take out, going to your favorite restaurant, anything that will make you feel that you’ve had a successful night.
Real talk about AVAILABILITY and time
3. Talk realistically about how much time you have
This way you are prepared for the ski trip your boyfriend has planned with the boys he forgot to tell you about. It’s important that everyone is honest about how much time they will be available over the break. If you know you have a lot of friends to see, family events, but don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, they will be more hurt if they expect to spend all this time with you, and realize that you can’t. Also, if you know that weekend you have a paper to write, and midterms to study for, be honest that you might not be able to provide your full attention and a different time might work better. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to planning. This means your partner has the ability to make other plans, and will not feel like they are being ignored.
Asking your partner what they want to do
4. Ask your partner what it is that will make them happy to see you
You now know what will make you happy, ask your partner and friends what will make them happy. Relationships go both ways, and you might even be surprised by their answer. For example, I asked my boyfriend what makes him happy, and he expressed that he would like to have a chill day working on his car with me helping. Although I know nothing about cars, this is his expressed way of having quality time with me. Asking this question is a great conversation starter, and you will learn a lot about each other.
Commit to a date
5. Express to each other what it is that you both want to do and commit to a date and time for a few activities.
Share your top choices with each other on what will make your break together meet all of your expectations. Your partner or friends may have no idea that you really want to go to that new museum in the city and now its too late to get tickets. My go to lucky number is four; two special activities such as exploring New York City, or going dancing, plus two things easy to do at home, such as hanging out with our friends, or staying in watching a horror movie with ben and jerry’s .
Through personal experience I have learned that if I get to do those four things (date night, fun night, friend night, and cozy day) I will have all the quality time I need to feel refreshed, safe in the relationship and ready to go back to being long distance. It’s all about managing your expectations and making goals that are easily achievable. The aim isn’t to create dates and plans that are extravagant or extra. It’s to make sure you get what you want out of your time together.
I tried this method for the first time when I went home for president’s day, and it was the first time I left home knowing I did everything I wanted to do. Writing down a sketched out plan, that is easy to carry out, immediately allows you to set a reasonable expectation. You now know what to expect and anything else is extra. That’s why it’s important to keep your plan within reason, and activities you know you will both enjoy. For example, I wrote down that I wanted to binge The Last of Us, Go to dinner one night, hangout with dogs, and bake cookies. I took into consideration what he likes to do and knew If I completed those things, that would be a successful weekend, and it was. We compromised as well; I wanted to bake cookies, he had to finish a lab report, so he sat next to me working, and helped me at the end. Either way, it was the quality time that mattered to me.
Asking yourself what you want and setting an attainable goal for your relationship, especially when you are in a long distance relationship, will help you grow as a couple, and ensure that you are meeting each other’s needs.