On January 11, The New York Times published an article about the current state of dating for twenty-somethings across the country, and its popularity quickly exploded. Entitled “The End of Courtship,” the story explores the romantic issues of millennials – a generation raised in a “’hookup culture,’” that is now faced with the challenge of growing up and finding a genuine relationship.
The article points out that many college students today have never even been on a traditional date, and blames it on the commitment-free hookups of our generation. And now that those less than a decade older than us have gone on to graduate college without graduating from juvenile flings, it seems that there is a real problem afoot. Could dating really be dying out?
There is a certain logic to believing that. Obviously, we are not our parents or grandparents, calling each other up on the phone and going to the drive-in. While many people may have had serious relationships in high school, it’s no secret that in college, dating becomes much more complicated. In the very first episode of the hit ABC Family show Greek, the main character, an upperclassman named Casey, tell her brother Rusty, a freshman, “You’ll learn you left black and white back in high school. It’s shades of gray from here on out.”
As a sophomore in college, I can definitely see the truth in this. The days of high school sweethearts and prom dates are in the past, and there is a whole new spectrum of boy problems. It seems like one of the toughest issues to deal with in college relationships is that classic question: What are we? From friends to friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend, there are definitely fifty shades of commitment. Maybe due to the fact that people often hesitate to “DTR” (Define The Relationship) – or for a variety of other reasons – I know far fewer couples in serious relationships than I do people who are either casually seeing each other or just hooking up.
If casual flings worked for you in college, it only makes sense that once you are out in the real world, you view dating in the same way. Let me be clear: there is absolutely nothing wrong with just wanting to keep your love life casual. After all, we are still young, and there is time plenty of time for serious relationships later on. But just because GW has such a pervasive hookup culture does not mean that there is nothing else out there. Life is no rom-com, but the prospects of the average collegiette are hardly as bleak as the media and past unraveled relationships could make it seem. So while no-strings hookups can be a good option, it is not unrealistic to hold out for something more, if that is what you really want. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I asked around and gathered a few tips about how to date – really date. Below are some of the best bits of advice, drawn from the real life of experiences of my friends, myself, and other that I talked to. Good luck!
Do not cheat yourself. First of all: a major part of serious dating is knowing what you want, and not just accepting whatever the other person is willing to give you. If a boy tells you that he “isn’t looking for a relationship,” and deep down, you are, then do not waste your time with him. What is harder is when he leads you on to believe that you have a future together. Maybe he does like you, but is too afraid to actually commit. Or maybe he just likes hooking up with you. Either way, you deserve better than that. There is someone out there who is a better guy, and better for you. Do not be afraid to walk away because you are afraid you will be alone forever – it is important to go with your gut and move on when it does not feel right.
You will kiss some frogs. The same principal applies here. So you have an actual date – that’s exciting! But do not make the mistake of assuming it will be perfect. It is okay to admit it when you do not click with a guy. If there were a pie chart of GW’s male population, it might have only a small slice for single, straight, and decent guys, but that does not mean you should lower your standards. My friend has a theory called “GW Goggles”: that is what she calls the strange phenomenon where mediocre guys appear much more attractive here than anywhere else, because girls’ options seem so limited. But girls at GW take on the world every day, and they have a ton to offer: they are brilliant, driven, stylish and beautiful. It is ridiculous for girls to feel like their only options are settling in some way or being alone.
If you want a boyfriend, act like it. Sure, we all like to go out, especially at GW. But there is a difference between going out to have a good time and turning into a hot mess. If you find yourself unable to remember most weekend nights and having hookup after random hookup, it will be hard for others to believe you can be serious about a relationship. It is all in the way that you carry yourself: if you come off as classy and poised, you will attract guys who are similarly put together. On the same note, you can meet just as many boys in class and through student orgs than you do at club or parties, and they could be better quality.
And finally: Frat guy or GDI? Here at GW, this may be one of the biggest questions of all. While roughly just 25% of males on campus are members of fraternities, it often seems like the true number is much larger, probably because Greeks have such a large presence on campus. But when it comes down to who is better to date – fraternity boys or “independents” – I think it depends much more on the person than their affiliation (or lack thereof).
Keep in mind, though, there is plenty of evidence of fratty misbehavior. A classic example that epitomizes this? A friend of mine was at a fraternity party a couple of weeks ago and she met a guy. They made out, he walked her home, and kissed her good night. Then, when he went to leave, he said, “I should text you now…I guess.” (Text me maybe?) Well, he did text her – the next night, while incoherently drunk, as an attempted booty call. Needless to say, she did not go.
This is a cringe-worthy scenario, but overall, boys will be boys whether they are members of fraternities or not. It is easy to look at websites like Total Frat Move and assume that fraternity men are one and the same, but I still firmly believe that you should at least try to be objective about Greek affiliation.
In the end it is not important exactly what you want – be it a random hookup, friend with benefits, casual date, or boyfriend. What matters is that you are happy, and that you go after what you want. Just because the media tells us dating will be extinct by the time we hit adulthood does not necessarily mean that it is true. Courtship will stay alive as long as our generation continues to grow and mature in what we look for in relationships – so there is no rush to search for it right now.