One Day. La La Land. Casablanca. Normal People. Call Me By Your Name. These pieces of film and literature all have one thing in common: they are classic examples of the “right person, wrong time” trope, or the idea that two people are meant for each other but are torn apart due to circumstances and having met at a time in their lives that isn’t ideal. It’s a heartbreaking trope but one that certainly makes a compelling story. It can also provide a glimmer of hope for an especially bad breakup: “They’re the one, but it’s not the right time yet.” That being said, here is why I, a certified hopeless romantic, do not buy into this trope (and why you shouldn’t either).
Let’s get one thing straight: if you would’ve asked me a while ago, I, myself, would have said that I lived this trope. After a particularly gut-wrenching breakup, I joked: “When I said I wanted a romance like the ones I read about in books, I didn’t mean Normal People,” where the protagonists, Marienne and Connell, after spending years in an on-again, off-again relationship, ultimately acknowledge the good they did for one another and part ways. I had truly believed in the idea of “right person, wrong time.” As one of the fans who insisted that the two would someday try again under better circumstances, I thought they fell into that trope, and so did my ex and I. The thing is that the idea of “right person, wrong time” implies the existence of “right person, right time.” I argue that the only idea that really exists is “right person.” If there is a right person for each of us, or multiple right people, there won’t be such a thing as the “wrong time.” There won’t be such a thing as “circumstances that pull you apart.” Call me crazy, but I would venture to say that if two people are really “meant to be,” no circumstances would get in the way of that.
Of course, I still believe in love; in fact – I love love – it’s part of the criteria of being a hopeless romantic. Clearly, I also believe in “meant to be” – another hopeless romantic criterion. I believe in signs, and the universe, and fate. I adamantly stand for the notion that everything happens for a reason.
In all, I am the last person in the world to judge someone for returning to an ex or struggling to move on. But I have always said and will always say that if someone really is the “right” one, the two of you will find your way back to one another. And if you don’t, maybe they aren’t right for you. I know that’s the last thing a heartbroken person wants to hear, but I think it’s a hopeful idea, depending on how you look at it. Take Marienne and Connell, for instance: yes, circumstances got in the way of their relationship countless times, but if they’re really meant for one another, even after being separated by an ocean, who’s to say they won’t find their way back? As for La La Land, which is where I’ve had the most trouble defending my argument: sue me, but I think if Mia and Sebastian really were soulmates, they would have chosen each other over anything, including their careers. If their love conquered all, they would have given everything up to remain together – and they didn’t. Maybe it’s a more beautiful, tragic idea to think of them as soulmates pulled apart by the complications of life, but is it truthful?
Upon speaking to multiple people who are older and have more experience with love, I, unsurprisingly, found that opinions varied. Some solemnly agreed with me, while others shut me down immediately. I was told, “It’s not that simple.” Maybe it’s not, I thought. Maybe there’s a reason why this trope is repeated time and time again in the media – don’t all stories have some ring of truth? Maybe, I thought, I still haven’t had enough experiences to properly debunk this trope. I’ve only been in love once, to be fair.
Then, I thought, that’s stupid. Maybe I am naive. Maybe I am inexperienced. Maybe I am still really young (I most definitely am). Maybe I really will look back at my life and pinpoint someone who I love but lost due to circumstance. Maybe then I’ll curse at the universe and the heavens and fate, finally losing my belief in true love’s ability to overcome any barrier. But the thing is, I don’t want to do that. I hear people say all the time that love is war, love is pain, love is all of these excruciating and agonizing things. Maybe it really is naivety and youth talking, but I genuinely don’t think that pure, sweet love, the kind that lasts decades, is supposed to feel that way. It’s not supposed to be you and your partner fighting a seemingly never-ending battle with the universe in order to be together. I know this because of my experiences with platonic love; when I’m with my best friend, even the silences we share feel like home.
Love can be fickle and difficult. To love and be loved is to accept the inevitability of pain that comes with vulnerability. Maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about, and one day, a “right person, wrong time” experience of my own will come to me like a slap in the face. Right now, though, I want to rescind my self-proclaimed title of “hopeless romantic” and revise it to “hopeful romantic.” I’ve had my heart smashed into smithereens so many times before. I’ve loved and lost, and I’m bound to do so again. Still, I know that I will always have hope for love. No matter how single or sad I am, I could never be cynical about love and romance. If there’s one saying I agree with, it’s that love conquers all. Love perseveres. That is why I can never buy into “right person, wrong time,” and why I urge you not to, either. Ask yourself, would you really rather believe that you and your ex were “right person, wrong time,” or that if they really were the “right person,” one day, there will be a right time? Or, alternatively, that they weren’t the right person at all because the right person will come at the right time? As I said, “right person, wrong time” is a tragically beautiful idea, but why should we depict our lives as tragedies? Why does the end of one love affair have to mean the end of love as a whole?
The “right person, wrong time” trope may be a pervasive narrative in literature, film, and even our own lives, but it’s a narrative that I, for one, refuse to accept. Love is not a tragedy to be mourned when circumstances conspire against it; it is a force of resilience, hope, and unflinching optimism. By embracing the possibility of love transcending all barriers, we open ourselves up to a world of endless possibilities and connections. Maybe you lost the love of your life. I know I thought I did. Now, I would venture to say that most people live to have more than one – and the “right” one is just the one that sticks.