You know what I’m talking about if you are the queer friend; the sudden decrease in sleepover invites or the weird looks when you compliment a friend. For me, it was my sophomore year of high school when I came out as queer with an Instagram meme (cringe, I know). To my friends who took the news unflinchingly and continued to love and respect me: I love you and I promise it did not go unnoticed.
It also didn’t go unnoticed when I lost friends; when there was a visible uncomfortableness when I mentioned the word “bisexual” or the dirty looks in the locker room. All 15-year-old queer girls will come to learn that when straight girls want a “GBF” they don’t mean you. They are offended when they aren’t “your type” but disgusted at the idea that you might fall in love with them. Just because they kiss their other straight friends at parties, it doesn’t mean they accept you. You learn to obey a boundary reserved only for you: compliment your friends but not too much, talk about your dating life but only if you’re dating boys, and you can look at your friend but not for too long.
When I came to college, I thought it would be different. And to be fair, there were a lot more queer people and a lot more genuine allies. But I still felt the snide comments and side glances. There was excitement over possibly having gay guy friends who they could use to compliment their outfits, and something new: using you as their free pass to go to a gay bar. Even the ones who are comfortable with sleepovers and consider themselves allies will still use you as their token into the gay club no matter how many times you explain to them that it’s not a playground. This is not to say straight people aren’t welcome in queer spaces; they totally are. But, it shouldn’t be the reason your otherwise non-accepting “friends” keep you around. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and most of all, it’s completely invalidating.
You should never be made to feel like your queerness throws you in a separate category of friendship, a friendship with more rules and less acceptance.
So, what’s the guide to surviving this? Simply, these people aren’t your friends. You should never be made to feel like your queerness throws you in a separate category of friendship, a friendship with more rules and less acceptance. You should never be made to feel like you have done something wrong by desiring the same closeness they give to everyone else. It is not your responsibility to diminish your existence to make your straight friends feel comfortable because not all of them will require you to do so, which means none of them should. You have every right to talk to your friend, explain to them their double standard, and try to make a change, but you have absolutely no responsibility to. You reserve the right to walk away. Finding people who love and accept you can be difficult, but I promise that they are out there and they won’t expect you to change.
Happy Bisexual Visibility week, you are seen.