Stop the Disappearing Act 2015

In today’s society women are rising in power, leadership and in being respected. What has failed to change is the same old ways that some guys go about treating women. When it comes to dating and sex, women always have been and still are expected to refrain from being sexual or expressive in what we wear or say.  If we are sexual in any manner, we’re considered a number of derogatory names, and told that we don’t respect ourselves therefore, we should not be respected.  

Somehow, sex has been considered the only value women withhold and once that’s given away, she is no longer useful. This thought process is prehistoric and should obviously be wrong because it makes the value of a woman equivalent to an object rather than being valued as a human. Women have different ideas on how they want to carry on in their sex lives, some are more liberal, some are more conservative, but neither determines the success, power, intelligence or value of the woman. There are plenty of cases where a woman may really like a guy and end up in bed with him, but now is subjected to that pesky little “disappearing act”; leaving her hurt and confused because she trusted that the particular partner she shared herself with would be mature enough to continue getting to know her regardless of when she decided to engage in sex.

Men still uphold this idea that once they have received sex, the chase is done, the prize is received and the task is fulfilled, so the woman can now be dished to the side. To be fair, this is not all men in any shape or form, nor is it always done purposely or thoughtfully, but it still does not send a great feeling to the women it happens to. This story may not always be told because women are supposed to be ashamed of having casual sex or sex too soon, or even sex before marriage, but it’s more common than you would think to just be left hanging. Picture the scene of Mean Girls where the question asked is, “Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George?” Now, raise your hand if you have ever been victimized by the disappearing act?

If I could see all of you while you are reading this, I’m sure there would be more hands than not flying in the air! This is not limited to sex either. Maybe you showed too much of an interest, and then that made a guy fallback because instead of him thinking you’re interested in getting to know him, he assumes you want a relationship. This scenario can invoke the same feelings as the disappearing act and in each scenario it’s an unfair result.

This is supposed to be “normal” and “acceptable” and is called a game of cat and mouse. Showing too much interest makes the guy withdraw, and you have to pace your texting and your interest, and avoid sex just to make him interested. While I do agree you should have a life of your own and not indulge yourself obsessively into anyone, I do not think there should be a game or rule book in getting to know someone you like. Let’s get rid of the assumption that because this is socially accepted that it’s right! There are ways to avoid all this confusion, harsh feelings and rejected emotions.

It begins with the men out there, and if there are guys reading, yes, you!! Be up front with your intentions. If they’re a bit shallow and you’re only looking for a physical relationship, then there are ways to express that without being a total jerk. Big surprise, sometimes that’s all a woman wants too. The concept of a woman always being an emotional mess over men, especially after sex, is absurd and untrue in most cases. Being upfront and communicating avoids a lot of drama. We’re young and in college, so being depressed over a misconception that you were starting something new with someone new is not really productive for our hectic schedules. Learning to clearly and honestly express yourself is a part of being an adult and while she may not like your answer, she’ll respect that you were upfront. Also, if you’re only wanting to be physical, do not engage in relationship-like activities such as cuddling, pillow talk, cute little gestures, anything that may make her fall for you. Be completely clear or don’t bother. The next important thing to note is, you don’t have to lie.

The biggest pet peeve a female has in these situations is having sweet nothings spoken to her, and then being ditched the second she opens up. As a man, you can scope where a woman’s intentions lie and avoid wasting her time or hurting her feelings if you know your intentions don’t line up with hers. Do not tell a woman you’re interested in her as a person and getting to know who she is and then when she decides she’s ready to sleep with you, evaporate into thin air on her. Is it really necessary to pull the disappearing act? If you tend to do this, evaluate why you do it, and then fix the issue so you can stop! Sex is tricky and can be meaningless for men and women, but we do know sometimes you pull the disappearing act because maybe you felt some feelings. Don’t always project the feeling-catching on women, it’s okay to be honest with yourself and us. If you haven’t had sex with a woman and just see she’s really into you, but are afraid she’s moving too fast, you can explain if you have yet to, or reiterate if you have, that you’re not ready for a relationship.

Ultimately, falling back is not necessarily the right decision unless there’s good reason. Showing “interest” is not a reasonable excuse to hurt someone's feelings. You should be flattered and try to see what about her interests you as well. Finally, treat women with respect no matter what. The idea that treating a woman how she dresses, based on the amount of people she sleeps with, or how fast she sleeps with them is something that sadly even women think is acceptable. This should be an unacceptable idea because someone’s character cannot be solely judged of what they wear, or their sexual relationship. Women should always be treated like QUEENS, you will be surprised by the perks you gain from that, and it’s beyond sex. As a man, take pride when a woman decides to share her time, or herself, or both with you.

With that being said, do not gloat and take it as a notch on your belt and hit the road, (especially if it’s done in a disrespectful manner, never cool). Instead, be a good guy. Is that overrated? Un-cool? Who cares! We are young, but that girl you judged and left alone because she became vulnerable with you could have been your soulmate down the line if you got to know her, who knows. It’s okay if you realize she isn’t right for you, or you aren’t right for her, but you cannot come to that conclusion based off such an event as sex.

Every time you deal with a woman, ponder on whether or not you would want your mother, sister, cousin, niece or daughter treated this way, and if the answer is no, just don’t do it! It’s so easy. You would easily be livid to see your sister or daughter crushed over the same circumstances. So, the next time you’re interested in a woman, decide why you’re interested in her, what your motives are, and speak on that from the beginning. Men, let's end the “Wam-bam, thank you ma’am's". Remember to always be a gentleman and stop the disappearing act