My name is Kevin, and my friend Henry and I have a running joke about a girl named Sarah. The joke began in my room the morning after Henry and Sarah hooked up, when several of our friends were sharing stories about the previous evening’s escapades. It wasn’t long before the entire room was in tears laughing about Henry’s experience with Sarah: apparently she was for the most part simply too wasted to operate like a normal human being, had unappealing back hair and, after passing out without invitation, fell out of his bed and onto the floor. Although the experience was likely uncomfortable for both parties involved, she has since become a punch-line that provides reliable comic fodder within our friend group.
Most of you are probably under the impression that as in my previous article, this story is simply a parable to expose the deplorable treatment of women by your typical college alpha males. Well, readers, although this story may very well represent classically male sophomoric behavior, the genders have in fact been switched. In this case, Kevin and Henry are pseudonyms for myself and a close female friend, while Sarah is a pseudonym for a male.
Recently “Henry” and I spotted “Sarah” in the Dining Hall, and just as we were about to start giggling, I stopped to ask myself: why were we under the impression that this type of treatment, to his face or behind his back, was acceptable? We emphatically condemn guys who speak disrespectfully about their experiences with girls and generally refuse to treat last night’s conquests like human beings. So why were Henry and I emulating the same behavior that we regularly decry, shamelessly ridiculing some poor boy we barely even knew, who had done absolutely nothing wrong by either of us?
The answer is of course multifaceted, but a large part of it stems from the fact that we as females feel largely inferior in the overall structure of the male-female relationship dynamic. Now, I apologize if you think we’re being overly sensitive about the whole equality thing but the fact of the matter is, historically we have had a tendency to get the short end of the stick. We’ve been the last ones to get our rights (voting, property, etc.), have waged an ongoing fight to be taken seriously in male-dominated fields, and to this day receive less pay for equal work. Within the structure of our relationships with men, many women have become accustomed to being objectified, taken advantage of, and having our emotions invalidated.
And as a result of being consistently put down by the men in our lives, some women have chosen to combat the issue by developing equally effective techniques for putting them down.
Now, I’m not saying this is fair, or even a good idea—you can certainly write it off as “circular lady logic” if you want. The problem is, even though our capability to restructure the playing field is rapidly increasing, we haven’t quite figured out what we want the field to look like or how we want to achieve this goal. As a result, we’re skirting between two contradictory techniques for increasing our power within the structure: on one hand demanding that men start treating us with the respect we deserve, while on the other hand perfecting their mechanisms for doing just the opposite.
However, more important than my above analysis is the plain truth that this is one of many areas where we continue to send mixed signals, and employ conflicting techniques for achieving equality. Another perfect example is my inability to develop a stance on whether or not we should continue to allow guys to be the ones always buying the drinks at bars. Idealist Alissa fighting for gender equality would say this this practice is unacceptable: the bar scene should be an equitable mixture of girls buying drinks for themselves, for other guys, and vice versa. But realist Alissa fighting for the right to get her drink on despite having only three dollars in her pocket, has a hard time getting behind that perspective.
I’m mostly being facetious—obviously if it’s necessary for me to forfeit free drinks in order to be seen and treated as an equal, I’m more than willing to do so. It’s just hard not to recognize that certain inequalities work in our favor, and as a result I sometimes can’t help but think: if I can get him to respect me, treat me well, and fund my nights out…why the hell not? Now that we’ve got a seat at the table, it’s difficult to refrain from trying to negotiate the best deal, even if it comes at the expense of the equality that we claim is our ultimate goal.
However, we need to stop hiding behind the excuse that determining which techniques are most effective, and which goals are most attainable, is a convoluted and challenging task. Instead, we as young women have a responsibility to start engaging in meaningful dialogue about what it is that we truly want with regards to gender dynamics. And in the meantime, I advise you to let guys buy you drinks– and buy your own as well. The more the merrier.