Trigger warning: no explicit language, but please read with caution
I was sexually assaulted in high school, and the memory affects me on a daily basis. I can get flashbacks and experience sudden panic when I am alone with certain people; I have snapped at a professor for touching my hair during class and made the whole room fall silent; certain phrases heard on TV can make me shut down. I have lost friends because of it. Sexual assault sucks, and it is only exacerbated and allowed to persist by a pervasive and noxious rape culture.
And yet, we still joke about it???? We still act like advocates against sexual assault are just angry feminists who just want to blame the patriarchy for something???? When one in every five women (ONE IN EVERY FIVE WOMEN) is sexually assaulted at some point in her life, and our society is still denying the problem and pitying the assailants, you know there is a problem with the way we think about and treat these crimes.
I would never wish for anyone to experience what I have experienced, but I’ll be damned if I stop fighting to have this issue taken more seriously. Here is what I want my readers to know about sexual assault and the rape culture that skews its image:
Trigger warnings are not stupid.
If I come across explicit language or details about sexual assault and am totally unprepared, I run the risk of experiencing a flashback and being debilitated for hours by anxiety and fear. It has happened before and could happen again, and believe me, it is not a consequence of me being “coddled” or “too sensitive.” It is a legitimate psychological reaction that forces me to re-experience the most traumatic experience of my life, and it is certainly not up to you whether I should have to endure it or not.
When you defend my assailant, you delegitimize my experience.
And that’s bullshit. Don’t come to me asking that I forgive him; I won’t.
Source: http://i.giphy.com/IWBHK9CLAkKPK.gif
Stop shifting focus away from the problem. The problem is sexual assault.
It is all too often that I see people mourn the could-have-been career or a promising young athlete or student who is accused of rape. It is all too often that I hear people shift the blame to drugs, alcohol, or a previous relationship. I am sick of the idea that sexual assault is merely an accompaniment to a bigger problem when in reality sexual assault is the entire problem. Stop acting like men being accused of rape is more concerning that women being raped. Stop acting like men can’t be raped. Stop pretending that rape is an issue of gender or sexuality in the first place; rape is a debilitating crime that feeds off denial and excuses. For the love of all that is holy, stop making excuses for rape.
Twenty times saying no and one time saying yes is not consent. Using guilt, manipulation, or aggression to get someone to say yes is not consent, it is sexual assault. If someone is being pressured into a sexual act, that act is not consensual. A previous relationship or sexual history is not permission; sex is never owed.
It does not have to be intercourse to be sexual assault.
Groping, kissing, or forcing someone into sexual acts even if they don’t involve penetration = sexual assault. Being grabbed or touched without consent is not just embarrassing but harmful and scarring; being forced to touch another person is dangerous and dehumanizing. Many will be afraid to walk alone or talk to strangers, even in broad daylight. Furthermore, many more will be accompanied by a sense of worthlessness that affects every aspect of their lives. All sexual assaults are traumatizing, no matter the nature and they have consequences that can persist for the rest of someone’s life.
We will not always want to talk about it.
Talking about sexual assault, even to a trusted friend or loved one, is taxing, and can provoke flashbacks and dangerous emotions. Furthermore, many victims, myself included experience blame, resentment, and anger from other people when sharing their stories, emotions which detract from the seriousness of the victim’s trauma. In describing my assault I have been held accountable while my assailant was forgiven; I have been asked what I was wearing that night; I have been accused of conspiring to ruin his life. So understand if we’re not always open to talking about it because no one wants to open up the most delicate part of their memories just to be chastised.
Source: http://i.giphy.com/CXU8axmXoPHUY.gif
Do something about it.
I know it’s hard and sometimes embarrassing, but I promise that it’s worth preventing an assault. Do not let your friends take a drunk person home, even if they know each other. Do not let your drunk friend be taken home by someone. Do not sit idly while a crime is occurring. If you can’t stop it, report it, but promise that you’ll try your damned hardest not only to bring awareness to rape culture but to stop it. Apathy is dangerous; you can say that you’re against rape culture a million times, but if you don’t stand up against it and take action, you are hurting more than you are helping.
People of all gender identities, races, sexual orientations, religions, etc. can be assaulted. While the likelihoods might vary, all people are affected. Protect male victims. Protect victims of color. Protect transgender victims. Sexual assault should never be tolerated.
All in all, just be a decent human being.
Throw away any preconceived notions of politics and just be supportive. Don’t tell me that the freshman orientation programs about sexual assault were stupid and repetitive because your rhetoric hurts. Don’t tell me that I shouldn’t get offended at your jokes because, honestly, why the fuck would you joke about sexual assault? Mostly, don’t you dare tell me to suck it up so you can hurt people at the expense of your own entertainment. Whatever your notions of political correctness may be, throw them away, and just show me that I have your support; you’ll survive without making another rape joke.
Source: http://i.giphy.com/c88aUoCbMvLcQ.gif
If you are a survivor, there is hope. As hard as it may be, I encourage you to report your assault and seek help. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE). Talk to a loved one, and if they don’t believe you, shout it louder. Reach out to me. Call the police. No one should have to endure sexual assault.