When I said I was sorry, I didn’t really mean it. Well, maybe I did but I shouldn’t have. I honestly only thought I meant to apologize because I did not know who I was. But with growth comes honesty, so here we go.
When I said ‘sorry’ for deciding to use my voice, I didn’t mean it. You see, back then I had no knowledge of how powerful my voice was. I had no idea of the precious life that flowed from my tongue or that my words brought change and tore down walls. I was scared to speak up because of how you or anyone would react, but I simply do not care anymore. I speak my truth now. I let whatever is manifesting in my belly reach your ears now because I am worthy of being heard without fear.
One day I was struck by something that awakened the passions within me. I showed them a little attention and strongly acted on them. I was so passionate that my eyes became as bright as the sun, so bright that you turned away. I’m pretty sure I said ‘sorry’ because you weren’t as passionate about it as I was. A couple of days later you opened up to my on a matter that gave your heart unsolicited beats. In that moment, I listened enthusiastically wanting to be apart of something that you seemed to love. Then I remembered not too long ago that wasn’t how you felt when it was my turn. Remind me to never apologize for being passionate.
I apologized before for my feelings and I didn’t mean it. At first, I thought, I’m wrong for feeling this way, I shouldn’t feel like this but being able to feel is a beautiful thing. Even if those feelings don’t match fairytales, it is okay to feel. I no longer regret how I feel even if it offends you. I should be the one offended at myself for even thinking I was sorry.
I look back on when we sat and threw our skeletons on the table. Sitting in the same space as one another, I remember saying ‘sorry’ and feeling sorry when you mentioned I was too good. I was too much of a woman, a human. I carried more than you could with your own two hands and my offerings were of greater value. I guess you couldn’t afford that and I’m not sorry anymore.
The other day you did something that affected us both and of course, I said ‘sorry’ just in case I birthed it or watered something that made you act in such a way. I figured maybe I provoked you in a way to act like you raised yourself. As a matter of fact, I recall summoning several apologies that had nothing to do with me. I think it’s okay to say those were insecurities on my part. However, next time I’ll leave it up to you to do the mending, but there probably won’t be a next time to begin with.
The next time you see me apologizing to please another and shrink myself, please remind me to bite my tongue.