The Art of Getting Dumped

I wish I could say that I was one of those girls who has never been dumped. I am not. Unfortunately, for both myself and the people I live with, I have had my fair share of heart break. The absolute worst was the time my high school boyfriend dumped me two hours before I was set to board a 15 hour flight to Egypt. My poor, poor mother (and a group of very unsympathetic flight attendants) watched me cry into my tray table while simultaneously trying to tranquilize me. I also may have spent $9 a minute leaving hate messages on his voicemail every day, which probably wasn’t the most graceful way to handle the situation. Since then, I like to think I have learned my lesson. Instead of acting crazy, I like to think I act cool (with the exception of blogging about my breakups)– 
 
1.     Play it cool
Take a deep breath and put down your cell phone. I know all you want to do is tell your ex how much he sucks and how much you hate him, but not saying anything can be far, far more effective. Silence can be deadly. If he texts you, ignore him. If you see him out, ignore him. Act like he doesn’t exist and eventually you will forget all about him. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference (Ghandi?), so no matter how hurt you are the best thing you can do is pretend not to be. After all, she who cares less wins.
 
2.     Master the ”Giveback”
If you’ve been on as many walks of shame as I have (relax, I had a boyfriend), chances are that after a breakup you have a fair amount of clothes to give back. After my last breakup, I filled an entire suitcase with my ex’s crap and left it on his porch (the fact that it was in the middle of a thunder storm was a lucky coincidence, I swear). It seemed like the kinder alternative to burning it. The longer you hold on to a guy’s clothes, the more you are able to delay the ultimate, final breakup conversation. If there are things you need to say, this is the last time you will be able to say them. Invite him over to pick his things up so you can get it over with on your own turf, and make sure you look understatedly hot. Know what you are going to say, and accept the fact that when the give back is over, it’s really over.
 
3.     Chocolate and Wine
In my house, we have a tradition. Whenever someone gets dumped (or if they get a bad grade, get yelled at by their parents or if it’s Tuesday), whoever is closest to the door runs to Wisey’s and picks up two giant bottles of Woodbridge Cabernet and a pint of Phish Food. We then spend the night getting drunk and watching Friends. I know, it sound’s like an awful 90’s chick flick, but it works. Give yourself 24 hours of man-hating, chocolate eating, tear stained wallowing—no real damage can be done in a day. After the allotted time period, pick yourself up out of the pile of tissues and Hershey’s wrappers and start getting on with your life.
 
4.     Get Hotter
Now that you’re back on the market, you need to look GOOD. Nothing will piss your ex off more than seeing you at Rhino looking fabulous. Except maybe seeing you at Rhino, looking fabulous and making out with another guy. Whatever you do, do NOT use your break up as an excuse to get fat. Instead, channel your rage into exercise. Take up kick-boxing and visualize beating the crap out of your ex while you spar with the cute instructor. Or make a playlist of all of the songs that remind you of him and go for a run—anger is the best motivation.
 
 
5.     Rebound, Rebound, Rebound
As the old adage says, “the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” How could you possibly think about your ex when you are making out with the hot baseball player from your econ recitation? I’m not saying you have to act like a slut, but it definitely doesn’t hurt to get a little male attention to boost your ego. Besides—you’re finally single! Live. It. Up.
 
 
There is really no way to sugar coat it—getting dumped sucks. Some days you will want to lay in your bed and watch The Notebookon repeat, and others you will seriously consider egging the bastard’s house or keying his car. No judgment. Do what you need to do (except for sleeping with him)—I promise it will get better. Just remember the best revenge is happiness. And if that doesn’t work, smashing bottles in his back yard is a very cathartic alternative.