A formal “coming out” is often considered an essential moment for members of the LGBTQ+ community. So much so that there are tropes attached to the process, ranging from the most tearful and heartfelt accepting parents to being thrown out in a flash of religious-induced fury. We all know that coming out can have dire consequences—so why do we find it so necessary in the first place?
For many queer people coming out can feel liberating, but for others, it’s an extremely unpleasant experience. Here are just a few reasons why formally “coming out” isn’t the best choice for everyone.
Safety
This is the most important reason why coming out is not always the best option. Some people do not live in environments that are accepting of queer people. In this case, being safe is always the number one priority. Members of the community are still being abused, thrown out of their homes, forced into conversion therapy, and shamed for simply being out. This situation is terrifying, but it can be helpful to remember that you have time—and that waiting until you are in a safe place before coming out is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Labels can change
Labels are a tricky thing. Sometimes what you think you identify with can evolve over time, and that makes things really complicated if you’ve already formally come out to everyone you know. As people grow and learn things about themselves their understanding of their gender and sexuality may shift, which can lead to them feeling trapped in the identity they first aligned themselves with. Sexuality and gender are a spectrum and they are inherently fluid. People should be allowed to explore themselves and expand their understanding without the judgment of others, and coming out in a more formal way sometimes hinders them from doing that.
Straight and cis people don’t have to come out
This is my absolute biggest reason why members of the Queeer community shouldn’t feel obligated to come out. Our cis/het friends and family don’t have to go through the turmoil and fear of coming out, why should we? Being queer can be something that is just another part of our identity, without the stress and pressure of being on display. When queer people come out, they are often bombarded with questions and accusations. People say things like: “But you don’t look/act gay” and “But you’ve dated the opposite gender in the past” or “What does that even mean? You’re making things up.” There are a plethora of ridiculous things queer people get asked after they come out, and we shouldn’t feel like we need to justify our identity to anyone. Simply being who you are without having to tell everybody all at once is a better option for queer people who want to avoid intrusive questions as much as possible.
Feeling comfortable around some, but not all
Sometimes you want to talk about your identity, but you don’t want to talk about it to everybody. This is where being out towards some people in your life but not others can be a more comfortable option. I find that for me and many other members of the community, being out to friends and supportive members of the community exclusively felt like my best option at first. This way, I knew I had people on my side before telling other people in my life who I worried would not be as supportive. When it comes to the less supportive figures, it’s never easy, but it’s important to remember that you don’t owe these people anything. You don’t owe them an explanation or an apology for who you are, and you certainly don’t owe them a formal coming out.
Going at your own pace
Sometimes you’re just not ready—plain and simple. There’s no “perfect time” or “perfect way” to come out, and the pressure of that can be ridiculous and unnecessary for some. This is why for many of us going at our own pace can look less like posting a heartfelt notes-app confession on Twitter, and more like simply living life day to day without hiding ourselves. Being quietly queer is just as valid as being loud and proud.
At the end of the day, when/where/if someone comes out is entirely a personal decision that looks different for everybody. It’s also beneficial to remember that just because you don’t formally come out, doesn’t mean you have to spend forever in the closet. You can always just start being you, and you don’t ever owe anyone a disclaimer or warning about your identity.