God has given me many gifts in this world—confidence, a decent head on my shoulders, an unmatched love for vegan grilled cheese—but the most shining of His gifts unto me is clearly my ability to judge your sexuality based on what character you choose to play in Mario Kart (the eighth installment, specifically). What are waiting for? Rev up your kart and find out if you’re destined for a trip on Rainbow Road.
As always, everything is this article is just a parody and obviously cannot reflect anyone’s real sexualities (or can it?).
Mario:
Afraid to take risks, you’re as straight as they come.
Luigi:
Finding yourself drawn to the underdog who is destined to a life underground? That’s true gay culture. You’re gay.
Peach:
Peach is a monarch and thus needs to be approachable to people from all walks of life. Gays and straights alike can play as Peach.
Daisy:
Forget everything I just said about Peach. From this moment on only gays can play as Daisy.
Yoshi:
My boss told me that in order to publish this article I had to make Yoshi gay. So goes the influence of the bourgeoisie over the press.
Toad:
Favorite of middle-aged moms who just want to bond with their kids but haven’t touched a video game since the Pac Man arcade cabinet in 1980, Toad is pretty firmly heterosexual.
Koopa Troopa:
Let’s be honest. Nobody mains Koopa Troopa.
Shy Guy:
Hiding your true identity from the world around you? Can you get gayer than that? Plus he comes in pretty colors!
Baby Characters:
You’re either playing a baby character because you know an inappropriate amount about the game’s drifting mechanics and want the smoothest, fastest possible acceleration or because they’re so cute. Either reason is pretty gay.
Bowser:
You already know the answer to this one, beloved readers. Please don’t make me say it.
Donkey Kong:
Dabbing in 2018 is the straightest thing I can possibly think of, next to casserole and despising your spouse.
Wario:
In spite (or possibly because) of his overwhelming heterosexuality, gays are drawn to this gas giant.
Waluigi:
Straights play him for the meme. Gays play him because they can relate to being an outcast.
Rosalina:
You either bleed rainbow or you call fictional characters your “waifu”. There is no in-between.
Metal Mario:
You’re as straight as they come, playing a character as rigid as your fear of being mistaken as gay.
Lakitu:
Gay.
Toadette:
Gay too.
Pink Gold Peach:
Honestly, at this point, if you play Mario Kart, period, you’re gay.
Any of the Koopa Kids:
I main all of them at one point or another and I’m gay. Clearly my experience is representative of the half-million users who play this game every day.
Mii:
No. Listen. Fuck you. Thirty-six playable characters, and you choose Mii? The fucking Mii? Answer me this—why do you hate creativity? Why do you hate your friends? More importantly, why do you hate yourself? Close this article. Go to your room. Pull the covers over your head. Suffocate and think about your choices.
Did I get you right?
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