* Note: This article is meant to be taken lightheartedly. There is technically no such thing as a “lesbian” haircut. You will also notice the lack of POC hairstyles, due to the fact that Google’s image-retrieving algorithms are a racist mess and had no POC hair on the first page of its results. If you’ve got hair and you’re a lesbian, then congrats, you’ve got a lesbian haircut!
It’s a right of passage as a queer, fem-aligned person that you eventually find yourself googling the words “lesbian haircut” at some point or another in your life. The search term yields pictures that radiate purely gay energy from them, the likes of which can’t be found in “pixie cut” or “bob cut with bangs.” You scroll through them, silently balancing the need for style, code-dropping, and, you know, not looking like a mom who needs to complain to the manager about the cashier not taking her expired coupons for coconut oil.
In line with some of my favorite “tag yourself” memes, I’ve decided to make one out of the images that pop up when you search “lesbian haircut”. Which of the descriptions of the stylin’ folk below fits you best? That’s the one that should be your next haircut! Good luck, and may the framing of your face stay somewhat intact!
“The Mall Rat”
(Source)
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Too young to drink, so cruises at the mall and skate park instead
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Definitely had a Hot Topic phase where they bought nothing but Disney princess merchandise
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Tried to get into Tumblr feminism at age thirteen and ended up traumatized
“Cringe Culture is Dead”
(Source)
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Unironically still actively participates in their Webkinz account.
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Juggles between reading high-level feminist theory and the Warriorcats series
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Allergic to life
“Living Impulse”
(Source)
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Has been looking for a good leather jacket from Goodwill for about eight months now and just keeps buying embroidered jean jackets instead
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“I’m gay so when I dress ugly it’s a statement.” (Which is absolutely true.)
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Hasn’t eaten an actual meal in, like, three days
“Haha and then what ;)”
(Source)
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Could and will make a sexual innuendo about just about anything
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Bit of a fuckboy, but a heart of gold
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Took just a little too much joy out of desecrating Barbie dolls as a child
“Okay, this one is just funny and will thus be presented with no comment.”
(Source)
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Why is this, like, the third result?
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Anyone?
“It’s not a phase, Mom!”
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Has always wanted one of those haircuts people that were into scene in the 2000s had but definitely doesn’t have enough hair – or self-confidence, for that matter – to pull it off
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Uses “xD” in conversation with people they trust
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Heard a teenager say “Gerard Way was in a band? I thought he was, like, the writer of Umbrella Academy or something?” and ascended directly into heaven
“Mother Figure”
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Mom friend that carries around a first-aid kit bigger than their heart
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Made a somewhat viral meme once and got interviewed by Buzzfeed, for some reason
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Knows the person that started the term “grandmacore”
“This is just my fantasy of the person I want to be, tbh”
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Once tied a “get well soon” balloon to the antlers of a dead deer on the side of the road
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Taxidermy obsessed
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Resident spider killer
“Resident Suburban Crpytid Obssessive”
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Unironically believes in Bigfoot
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Says the phrase “I’m going feral” at least once a day
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Cannot eat without dropping at least half of their food on themselves
Where did you fall?
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