I have always been a shy person, but I am also someone that needs to experience constant change. I try to challenge myself and find what I am capable of beyond a person just sitting in the shadows. There is nothing wrong with that; I often enjoy being on the sidelines and observing other people, but once I have done that enough and feel comfortable, it is my time to shine. Finally, it was my time to shine. On Saturday March 2, I performed “The Other Side” from The Greatest Showman as a duet with my friend Caroline at the Geneseo Pride Alliance’s Annual Drag Ball.
When people dress in drag, it is meant to be an exaggerated expression of gender. It is not meant to mock gender itself, but the roles and expectations that society gives us when assigning people genders. Drag Kings are less known than Drag Queens and underappreciated in my opinion. I am already a masculine-presenting person most of the time, but it feels right for me to be a Drag King. I find them spectacular, and last night I was able to meet and take a picture with Christian Gaye, a Drag King from Buffalo.
I surprise myself sometimes when I force myself to stand in the spotlight. I cannot imagine myself doing this a few years ago. I was shy and scared to even wear a suit to a dance my junior year of high school. I went to Drag Ball last year and was stunned by how well the performers could go up on stage and express a different part of themselves. I remember telling my friend about it, and he asked me, “Why don’t you get up there?” I thought he was crazy at the time. It seemed crazy for me to stand in front of an audience and act like I knew what I was doing, or even try to make a convincing illusion of gender.
I go to all the Pride meetings because I enjoy them and my group of friends is always there. Earlier this semester, they were looking for student performers, and I was considering it. As the deadline came closer, I knew I had to do it or else I would miss my chance to express my gender in a whole new way. “The Other Side” from The Greatest Showman seemed like a perfect song, but it’s a duet and I had no one to lip-sync with.
My friend JJ told me she would do my make up and dance with me, but she found that she would not have the time to rehearse within the two weeks or so that we had. From then on, I planned on doing it alone, even though there are two singers. A week before the performance, my other friend, Caroline, said she would do it with me. I explained that we only had a week to prepare, but she seemed willing to do it.
The week leading up to the performance was busy for both of us, but we found time to rehearse during one or two evenings. Most of the choreography that we ended up doing was not planned. Somehow, it appeared choreographed to the audience, or at least from what I’ve heard from some friends and Drag Queen Mrs Kasha Davis. I had been excited for the night all week, and finally it was here. I was not that nervous, which surprised me and made me worry that I would get nervous right before the show started and back out.
I bought teal hair dye the day before the show and Caroline helped me put it in my hair a half an hour before we went to the Pride Night Dinner. We only stayed for an hour, and JJ took the next hour to do her make up magic for me. She gave me a blue mustache and eyebrows, and it turned out amazing.
Before the show started, I was able to meet some of the other student performers. I think we were all a mix of nervous and excited, but mostly we were all there to support each other. We had to wait a long time before it was our turn to perform, but finally we were invited backstage where the professional Drag Queens and King were getting ready. Doing this suddenly felt out of my league, but there was no way I could back out at this point.
We walked on stage and hid behind the curtain until we were announced. It was not until that moment that we decided who would walk out first. When the song began and I started moving, suddenly GK Jayden came right out of me and used up the whole stage. There was a lot more space than in our dorm room. The lights were shining on me and I knew the audience was there, but it was like I could not see them. I could just be this character that I created—confident and open. Sometimes, it is as if the more masculine I am, the more I feel like a woman.
The characteristics typically assigned to men and women do not seem to work for me. If someone tries to think about my gender in a binary, it is not going to work. I am non-binary; sometimes I feel like a woman, and I express this through various forms of masculinity. I felt wonderful performing in my version of drag.
I stuck around until 1 a.m., talking to all of my friends and meeting the professional performers. Christian Gaye said that he liked my performance, and especially the fact that I did a song from The Greatest Showman, because he had done a preformance to a song from the movie too. I had the time of my life, and I knew this was right for me. I will have teal hair for a while, which will be a great conversation starter if someone was not at the event. I am already anticipating performing again next year.
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