For as long as I can remember, I have always been at war with my self-esteem. From a young age, I and women around the world are taught that the greatest thing about us is our beauty. We are deemed worthy by what people see first and not by what they can come to know about us. From being told you are doing too much with your looks to being asked if you are tired because you did not seem to get ready for the day, the scrutiny surrounding women’s bodies is a constant ordeal we still face today. But as my time in college helped me to grow as an individual, I found myself ready to take back my body and deem myself worthy beyond just my looks. This is the story of my liberation.
Ever since I was little, I struggled to tame my hair. At first, my hair was a wavy, frizzy mess that I would put into ponytails or braids so it was not in my face. Then once I figured out how to work a flat iron, I would straighten it almost every day. Soon high school came and I either left it loose or up in messy buns because I did not want to deal with it. I was always told to do something with my hair because I would look bad if I just left it as it was. As a little girl, it was easy to do as I had my older sisters to help me. But as I got older, a subconscious rebellion built up in me and I just left it because I was tired of being told I looked bad because of my hair. I struggled to understand how my hair in its natural state negatively altered my appearance because I just saw it as my hair, just another piece of me.
Despite popular belief about women’s hair, I have no problem cutting my hair short. I think it is a great way to start anew and feel refreshed. So, when I cut my hair quite short before my junior year of high school, I felt great and I was excited to see my hair texture changing. As I continued to college, I saw myself growing more confident from this new style. But just as my frizzy hair would define a part of my life, my curly hair would become another defining factor of my person and I was ready for people to see me beyond the exterior.
I remember in high school I had wanted to shave one side of my head after I had seen a few of my sisters take on the big chop. It was such a strong look to me and whenever I saw them, I could just tell they had become more themselves than when they would just fix up their hair. Of course, going to a private high school kept me from doing such a drastic cut and so I let it go. But after my second year of college came to a close in 2019, I found myself coming back to the idea of shaving my head and realized I had fewer obstacles in my way this time around.
After talking with one of my sisters that took on the shaved head look, I found myself ready to shave not just one side, but I wanted to shave my whole head. I took baby steps at first and did small sections on both sides to see how I felt. I loved it. When it came time to have my sister clean up the shaved sides, I decided to make the jump. In June 2019, I shaved my entire head and I have never felt more myself. During the cut, I was worried that I would end up not looking good after, but I reminded myself that the cut was not just about my looks but about me. My hair had become a personality trait that people would point out about me and I was ready to be so much more than the hair on my head.
Almost one year later, I have enjoyed this journey of self-discovery and confidence growth that came with chopping off my hair. Of course, there have been some days where I still struggle with my self-esteem because I am human, and these issues are not fixed overnight. But since cutting off my hair, I have grown more in love with myself because I am able to see more to myself and beyond what people could easily judge about me. And when the time comes, I will be excited to see what my hair will look like after I decide to let it grow out again. For right now, this hairless journey continues, and I am excited to see what else I can learn about myself.
A woman’s body image has always been defined by everyone else but herself. She is given her worth by those in her life and by what she has on the surface, rather than what she can bring to the table. The odds have always been stacked against us and women still have to deal with being put down because they are not pretty enough to matter. But why must the opinions of others matter? Shouldn’t we teach our little girls that they are beautiful because of their intelligence, skills, aspirations, etc., and not just because of their hairstyles or outfits? I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that her hair does not define her. As a young girl fighting to fit in, she has the power to stand out and later on, she will. I am who I am, a first-generation Latina college student (soon to be college graduate), a nerd in love with words, the baby of the family and a girl with a dream. But most importantly, I am free.
